Johnny Depp Is Every Shady Dude You Know

Johnny Depp. Your erstwhile teenage crush. Star of Pirate Movie 10. Three-time Academy Award nominee, Johnny Depp. In 2017, a single problematic tweet can get you banished to the outer fringes of human society forever, but Johnny Depp is somehow still allowed to star in $230 million movies. Johnny Depp is, somehow, thriving.

I do not personally know Johnny Depp. I want to stress this, primarily for legal reasons. But I feel like I do. I’ve met this guy—the shady and subtly steampunk ageing goth dude who you and your friends know instinctively to avoid at parties—exactly 1,000 times. None of these times have I thought to myself, Hey, this person deserves to be one of Hollywood’s most rich and powerful leading men. And yet here we are.

Allow me to explain further. Johnny Depp is a type. Johnny Depp, I strongly suspect but cannot confirm, sleeps in a fedora that was originally owned by a member of the Rat Pack. He had an assistant pay $500,000 for it at auction. Each of Johnny Depp’s many mansions contains a large library filled only with first editions of Jack Kerouac and Hunter S Thompson books, all of them signed by the author. Johnny Depp has a freezer in his basement containing the world’s last remaining supply of quaaludes.

Johnny Depp—and again I want to stress this is just my intuition telling me this, although my intuition is nearly always right—believes his hair is the source of his power, and won’t let you touch it. He washes this hair only once a month with a very expensive and rare oil sourced from the Amazon rainforest. He combs it nightly with a special brush. You’re not allowed to touch the brush.

Johnny Depp, a man who I have never met and yet, in a way, understand better than I do myself, does not consider himself American. Rather, he is a “citizen of the world.” Johnny Depp tells people he speaks French, but actually only knows the words for “cigarette” and “supermodel.” Johnny Depp loves the past, and believes he should have been born in another decade. He writes using only a quill and ink, or else one of those stupid astronaut pens that work in space. Or an antique typewriter.

I’ve smelled this perfume, and it smells like cheap hair gel.

Johnny Depp, it appears to me from this distance, despises capitalism. Johnny Depp just really fucking sees through the system, you know? And Johnny Depp would love to tell you about how he (a visionary) sees what you (a non-visionary) do not. Johnny Depp is an outsider. A true outsider, who will never fit in. A very, very, very rich outsider who just happens to be employed by the Walt Disney Corporation, but only because he loves children and imagination—certainly not because of money. He really hates money, although it is handy for buying islands.

Johnny Depp, very likely, hates hip hop. Johnny Depp hates all music released after the year 1978, which is also why Johnny Depp collects vintage guitars. He can also quote freely from Lester Bangs articles and loves to talk about rock and roll with his fellow male music fans. He’s also more than happy to patiently explain the ins and outs of the genre to women. Johnny Depp has a home recording studio, and upon Johnny Depp’s death (very likely a sexy, tragic overdose) his estate will release hundreds of home recordings that involve more harmonica than is truly necessary. And all of them will be widely celebrated.

Johnny Depp would consider this article an affront, but luckily he will never read it because he does not know how to use the internet and thinks it is a passing fad, or perhaps a government tool for brainwashing. Again, Johnny Depp knows the truth about these things. He’d offer up a few choice Aldous Huxley quotes about “the doors of perception.” For example, did you know that the Doors named themselves after Huxley’s book, The Doors of Perception? Johnny Depp could tell you all about that. The Doors are Johnny Depp’s favourite band.

Johnny Depp is that shady guy you avoid at parties. But he still gets invited to the party. Why? Why is Johnny Depp still famous? Also, he really does play the same character every time. Also, Amber Heard.

Please stop putting him in movies. Thank you.

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