OUR FRIEND WON WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE

Our friend and part-time staff-photographer Marty Whitsitt recently wrangled himself a spot on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Even better, he answered a few questions correctly and made off with ten big ones, and by that we mean $10,000. We had to wait until the money had cleared in his bank account before we could write anything about it (in case Eddie McGuire found reason to withhold the payment I guess) and it took bloody ages. But, as of yesterday, Marty has the healthiest bank balance of anyone we know and some hilarious television stills to prove it. His friend Helen Grose wrote us this Slumdog Millionaire inspired piece about Marty's great victory. Here in Australia some TV wise guy has reworked Who Wants To Be A Millionaire into an even more addictive beast with even more oddballs chasing free cash on our screens in one episode than ever before. More dreams are being hunted down and more are being pissed on. Losers are always more hilarious than winners. With a head still mushy from the previous Saturday night, Marty applied. Surely if a timid young man from the Indian slums could do it, an educated, hipster dork from Melbourne could get his eager, slacker-artist mitts on a wad of cash. Dressed just within the confines of television requirements, Marty tiptoed into the hotseat arena, looking as white as Karl Lagerfeld looks orange, and with the smell of fear on him. He was introduced as the photographer who had once partied with Beyonce, photographed 50 Cent's million-dollar bling and who had stood next to Bono at the Armani One party. He reduced the other financial advisers, students and dog breeders to boring dust. He had pep. This was it, don't get scared now, Marty. The show works simply: six people have the chance to win one million dollars. If a person gets the answer wrong the prize money comes down and the whimpering failed contestant is booted out. Each person has one pass, and the next person must answer the passed question.

Marty was in seat number six so by the time he reached the hot-seat the bounty had bombed out down to $50,000. But he was closer to achieving something on everyone's 'to do before I die list', that being the holding of a gigantic cardboard cheque. So, finally it's Marty's turn. First question: How long does an artist have to have been recording before they can be inducted into the Rolling Stone Hall of Fame? A) 5 years B) 10 years C) 15 years D) 25 years Not unlike the Indian Slumdog, Marty had story ammunition under his belt. His photos had appeared in Australia Rolling Stone, so with a decent amount of confidence he locked in D) 25 years. SHAZAM!!! Next question: Which of Handel's oratorios features the famous 'Hallelujah' chorus? A) Solomon B) Hercules C) Deborah D) Messiah An atheist and Richard Dawkins lover, but luckily a head full of facts, Marty locked in B) The Messiah. TOOT TOOT!!! Thank Christ for that. Holy smokes, Marty was actually doing well and as such seriously on-track to winning some serious cash. Next question: Who is the Commissioner of Australia's Federal Police? A) Andy Hughes B) Robert McClelland C) Tony Negus D) Christine Nixon A retarded question, especially for one who considers himself above the law. Desperately wanting to quote NWA, but remembering his primetime smile, he politely passed. It was shaky at this point as to whether Marty would make it back to the seat — the busloads of school kids and pensioners sitting in the audience were hooked. If the two people in front of him indeed had brains, they could push him out. However if they crumbled under the television studio lights and pressure, the dream was his. The questions came and they got them WRONG. All hail people with lack of general knowledge. Thus, Marty was up again staring $10,000 in the face with dollar signs in his eyes.

What literary name belongs to an Australian 70s glam rock star? A) Victor Hugo B) Leo Tolstoy C) Charles Dickens D) William Shakespeare Marty wasn't even in the country at that time, still a little boy escaping the troubles in Belfast. Rack your brains, man! He then remembered Rennie Ellis, an excellent Australian photographer, and an exhibition he had seen of his the year before, which documented the Sharpies scene in Melbourne as well as its small, disconnected glam scene. "I'm not 100% sure about this one but my gut is telling me D)". Said in perfect television suspense language. "What the hell, lock in D)". The wait. The drum roll. The freaking suspense. CORRECT!!! Marty left the set with ten large in his pocket and a cuddle from the host, proving definitively that dreams can come true.