With marijuana legalization looking more and more like an inevitability, the marijuana enthusiast faces a new problem: How should they get high?
In the old days, stoners didn’t exactly lack for options—they could roll joints, turn apples into pipes, invest in a bong, bake brownies if they knew how—but today you can ingest your cannabis via gourmet meals, increasingly high-tech vapes, and bongs that double as art pieces.
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Everyone has their favorite way to get high, but there’s only one way to determine the best: A March Madness–style bracket featuring 32 different ways to get stoned. And you, dear readers, get to vote on each matchup to determine the winner. Just stayed tuned to the VICE Twitter account, where a series of polls will sort this out.
But before voting opens, let me give any n00bs reading this an overview of each method and its seeding in each of our four “regions”:
PIPES REGION
1. Water Bong: The glass bong, the classic, you know what it is.
2. Glass Bowl: Another classic. It’s literally the law to own at least one of these if you smoke weed.
3. Bubbler: A sort of crossover between a water bong and a bowl, for when you want to filter the smoke through water but don’t want to go through the whole bong ordeal.
4. One Hitter: A small pipe, favored by those who like to light up on the go and/or have a low weed tolerance.
5. Wooden Pipe: Perfect for the stoner who doesn’t want to get into a whole discussion about glassware.
6. Hookah: If you don’t think a bong is elaborate enough, can I interest you in a hookah?
7. Gravity Bong: This is a cross between a science experiment and a way to get you really, really high. Here’s a how-to video:
8. Gas Mask Bong: For only the most hardcore stoner, this bong allows you to do the impossible—look like a total nerd while smoking pot.
EDIBLE REGION
1. Brownies: A regular brownie with cannabis butter so you get high instead of just getting satiated.
2. Gummies: More complicated than your average make-it-at-home edible, but also more fun.
3. Chocolates: A fancy stoner’s brownie.
4. Cookies: For when you’re tired of brownies.
5. Firecrackers: A graham cracker with peanut butter, chocolate, and weeeeeeeed.
6. Tea: A good way to get stoned if you’re a parent.
7. Crackers: Yes, this exists—you just have to go to Colorado to find it.
8. Mints: I guess this is for when you have bad breath and also want to get extremely high?
DIY REGION
1. Joint: The #1 classic—paper and weed baby!
2. Blunt: A cigar wrapper, oft flavored, with pure, uncut 100 percent marijuana on the inside.
3. Spliff: A joint with tobacco mixed in with weed. For when you don’t have much weed, your weed sucks, or you can’t handle the strength of smoking pure weed.
4. Hotbox: All you need is a small enclosed space, like a car or a bathroom. A favorite of teenagers.
5. Cross Joint: Two joints joined together to create a cross. 420 X JESUS CHRIST is the hottest mashup of the 21st century.
6. Apple Bong: A bong made out of an apple.
7. Banana Bong: An apple bong, except you use a banana instead. Do I need to draw you a diagram?
8. Soda Can: Favored by young marijuana enthusiasts, all you have to do is punch a small hole in an empty can and you have a pipe. The first time I smoked weed with friends, I did so from a soda can, and it sucked. Don’t do it!
23RD-CENTURY SHIT REGION
1. Oil Vape: Usually in the form of a pen with a THC oil attachment, this method is favored by classy stoners, and those who live in states with legal marijuana.
2. Flower Vape: Like an oil vape, except you put actual weed in there, and it some how magically vaporizes into stoner goodness.
3. Dabbing: For experienced stoners only, this form of marijuana ingestion uses extremely pure THC shatter or wax, which you can buy at your local dispensary if you’re blessed enough to live in states like Colorado, California, or Oregon. Otherwise, it’s pretty easy to make your own. All you need is a bong for dabbing, parchment paper, and weed.
4. THC Oil: For anyone who doesn’t like smoking and wants to forgo caloric edibles, you can ingest pure THC oil to get you high.
5. Volcano Vape: This pricey vape goes for almost $500, and compared to its smaller vape counterpart, the Volcano is a big boy. Basically, the vape fills a plastic bag with vapor, which you then suck into your lungs, and voila! You’re stoned.
6. Weed Capsules: If all this is making you stressed, you can now consume weed simply by taking a pill.
7. Topical Ointment: Cannabis-infused lotion might not get you high, but it will help you with aches, pains, and soreness.
8. Suppositories: This is the one you stick up your butt or vagina. Don’t pick this one.
Now that you have all the deets, it’s time for you to cast your vote—keep an eye out on the VICE Twitter for the first round of polling.
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