We Spoke to Lil Windex, the Best Cleaning Product-Themed Rapper Alive

Hip-hop is going through a golden age. Rap fans universally agree the genre has never been stronger, the lyrics better or the personalities more real than right now. Lil Windex disagrees though. According to the explosive Canadian rapper on his widely circulating “Cleanin Up” single, the “rap game lookin’ hella dirty.” The song came seemingly out of nowhere, smacking the rap genre into submission like a too-clean window on an aloof forehead. Lil Windex is seen spraying blue window cleaner in the video as a clear warning: The stains of whackness shall be dealt with in small circular wipes to ensure a spot-free clean. As Lil Windex’s profile continues to rise, comment section intellectuals wonder: Who is this prophet?

The controversial Windex-themed rapper has largely avoided media. Glimpses of the puzzling icon came in the form of videos documenting his musing on topics ranging from the existence of the Earth to the dopeness of birds on his Facebook page. Lil Windex is an enigma; a mystery wrapped in gold chains and grillz but surrounded with glass cleaning chemicals. The gun-toting, blonde braided lyricist gives off an air of quiet danger, much like the deadly combination of bleach and ammonia.

After a long and probably risky email exchange, Noisey has finally broken Lil Windex’s silence. As far as I can tell, the rapper from Mission, British Columbia has no official affiliation with the Windex brand. He, a man of taste, simply knows what he likes. During a phone conversation, Noisey discovered the inner workings of the poet known as Lil Windex, his influences and the state of everything. Read our interview below.

NOISEY: First of all, thanks for talking to me.
Lil Windex: Aye! Rrrriki!

My first question is do you recommend any good cleaning products for glass?
Well, I mean, I can only recommend one. It’s the best one I know: Lil Windex. Use a lil Windex on it and everything will be good. Shiny, sparkly clean in no time.

Amazing. Who is the best rapper alive?
I get told a lot that it’s me. So I kind of just accept the fact that it’s me: Lil Windex.

Is their a runner up who might be able to compete with you lyrically?
My motha fuckin idol, Young Thug. Thugger Thugger. I think he could meet up with me, but I might pass him soon. He’s my idol though. I love him. He’s gotta be second best now.

Wow, yeah. How come I get so many streaks when I clean my mirrors?
The streaks? That’s cause you’re usin’ a different brand than Windex, obviously. I mean, that shit streak-free. That means you never get streaks.

Interesting. I listened to your song “Cleanin Up.” What exactly are you cleanin’ up?
I mean, I’m cleanin’ up everything. Everything needs to be clean. I don’t like nothing dirty. I’m like one of those OCD guys. I don’t want none of that. Like my wife. Sometimes she has a dirty mind, so I gotta clean it up. Rap game? Rap game is lookin’ hella dirty so I gotta clean that up. My money? I shouldn’t say that I gotta clean that up.

Why is the rap game so dirty?
Too many bullshit rappers.

Totally.
Lil Windex needs to come in a clean em up.

How do you feel about microfiber cloths?
Microfiber is good against a window. Sometimes I like to use, like—Lil Windex is ballin’, right—so sometimes I use like mink. Silk. You know what I mean? Only the best. Microfiber for sure.

You mentioned Young Thug. Who are Lil Windex’s other idols? Non-musical ones?
I like birds, if we can count animals. I idolize birds. I live in a nice area, in a rich neighbourhood. In a mansion. I go outside and all those little birds are my inspiration. They talk to me. They’re like, “Rrrik!” And that’s like, “What’s up?” You know what I mean? And I’m like, “Rrrrikiki! Aye! Aye!” And that’s like, “I’m good!”

Well put. I’m glad you brought up the poetry in your life. I’m just going to read a transcript of something you once said, and I would like your reaction to it.
Yes, of course.

In your own words, you once said: “Rrrrikiki rikiki aye aye aye aye brrrrr.” Is this assemblage of language a subtle nod to the avant-garde Dadaism movement from the early 20th century? Or more of a postmodern deconstruction of contemporary syntax and semantics?
You know, Lil Windex doesn’t do much those words like that. I can’t tell you. The birds only know the meaning. It’s like Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Leonardo stuff.

Is cleanliness really next to godliness?
Pretty much, yeah. If you clean as fuck, you god. And I’m god right now. I’m clean as hell. I don’t even see a stain on my shoes.

What happens is someone makes Lil Windex mad?
You don’t want to make Lil Windex mad. Like in my song, I say “I’m on the block with a couple goons.” If you don’t like Lil Windex mad, you can eat a dick. Some people don’t see me as intimidating. They say things in the comments.

What?
Yeah. They say things like, “You suck!” or “look at this skinny cracker head!” And I just say, “Thank you very much.” I change them from haters to likers. I kill em’ with kindness.

Are you working on any new music, Windex?
Oh yes, lots in the works. We got a whole album on the way.

What’s it called?
I can’t tell you that right now. But we have a new song and video dropping within a month with a special feature. It’s called “Fuck Me Up.”

Any insight on who the feature is?
Uhhhh, it’s somebody. Somebody really dope.

I’ve heard you are a philosophical person as well as a Windex-based rapper.
I am a genius. The GOAT.

What is the meaning of life?
That’s a good one. The meaning of life is to be the most successful motha fucka you can be. If you don’t try, what’s the point, stupid?

I’m inspired. Anything you want to add?
Stay clean, and if you don’t like Lil Windex, you can eat a dick. Rrrriki! Aye! Aye!

Devin Pacholik is a very important journalist. Follow him on Twitter.