Halloween is the third best holiday, slotting neatly behind Christmas and those few weeks in summer when it’s acceptable to wear shorts and drink Pina Coladas at 11 AM. Halloween was originally dedicated to remembering the saints and the martyrs; the faithfully departed believers that had been buried six feet under the ground. Now it’s just an excuse to go to a themed club-night where you will spend twice as much as normal and have to navigate the next morning’s walk of shame while dressed as a member of the Baseball Furies.
I’m convinced no sentient human-being genuinely wants to leave the house with some kind of carboard erection covered in glitter protruding from their stomach; and each year I’m proved wrong as the streets fill with leprechauns and shit-fairies, fallen angels and slutty witches, and guys dressed in pink tutus because, LOL, that’s what girls normally wear.
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I guess to some people the Halloween costume is an art; the one moment of the year when it’s acceptable to live-out a musical theater lifestyle that, ever since failing to progress from GCSE Drama into acting school, had been resigned to a dream. To others, it’s a chance to be someone else for a day, to look like someone famous, to get a slew of Instagram likes and compliments on an outstandingly #fleek outfit.
I spent a few moments earlier today searching Twitter for photographs of people who dress up for the attention. Because every holiday season is about giving (it’s not just for Christmas; it’s for life), let’s give them everything they’ve been craving. Happy Halloween guys!!111!!
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
When planning a Halloween costume, here’s one question usually springs to mind: how can the dress-code be adhered to while spending literally no money and time. The guys and girls below have thrown this idea out the window entirely; choosing not only to put more effort into their costume than necessary, but also to completely disregard Halloween altogether.
The thing about Kanye West is there’s only one of him. You can’t “be” Kanye West for a day or “dress-up” like him. Kanye West is a state of mind; a one-of-a-kind conscious that finds beauty in water-bottle design and sadness in drawstring hoodies. You can kind of understand, being in a relationship, the idea of dressing up as a married couple could be quite cute. But it’s also incredibly naseauting. Do you baby. Do you. Ending the evening with vampire face-paint smeared across both your faces is a butt-tonne cuter than feeling inadequate because everyone’s snarkily judging you against Kim Kardashian.
Drake
Why would anyone want to be Drake? Sure—he’s rich, he’s famous, and every time he does something completely normal like goes for a meal, he makes news headlines. But he’s really not the sort of guy you’d want at a Halloween party. Last week he released a bunch of songs and one of them, called “How About Now”, is basically him whining into his navel for three-minutes because he was nice to a girl once. Also, dressing like Drake is not an outfit: Drake looks like every other guy who’s ever been gifted an All Saints voucher. The only Drake outfit that’s acceptable is lint-roller Drake and only because it’s good for your social media game.
Lil Wayne
Lil Wayne fancy-dress is kinda acceptable—for one, he consistently calls himself an alien. What’s not cool is the hundreds of white guys with surnames like “McLachian” smothering themselves in edible chocolate paint and then wearing their only cap. Apart from black-face being horrendously offensive, it’s also a massive content driver for post-Halloween outrage blogs. Don’t you guys know how the internet works? You’re literally begging us to take the piss out of you.
Nicki Minaj
Nicki Minaj’s butt has inspired a lot of things: weight-gain, think-pieces, Drake thinking about what he’s having for his tea. You’ve basically got three options each Halloween. You can dress like a normal person with a bit of face-paint and a wig; you can channel thot-culture and wear as little as possible; or you can go as something cultural. Nicki and her butt manage to tick all three boxes making this a strong Halloween outfit. But, like the other artists above, dressing as her is also a recipe for feeling inadequate. Also second picture: no words.
Follow Ryan on Twitter: @RyanBassil
