How to Get Laid at the Gym

It’s only the beginning of January and your New Year’s resolution is already screwed. Look at you, bumming cigarettes from your friends, having just one toke before you go to work, and huffing glue in the bathroom like no one is going to notice when you walk back to your desk with heavy lids and a faintly chemical smell about you. Well, I’m here to help.

One of the most common resolutions (after always remembering to take your birth control pills and not texting your ex at 3 AM) is losing weight and going to the gym more often. But no one really wants to do that. Cupcakes taste so good and a Game of Thrones marathon is way more inviting than a bunch of crazy-looking machines that make you contort your body like a monkey at the circus. But what if you could get laid every time you went to the gym? It’s possible. Every time. Here are some tips.

Most guys approach the gym like Clint Eastwood walking into a shootout: they want to be alone, they want to be very serious, and they’ll kill anyone who comes near them. That is the exact opposite of the attitude you need if you want to score some gym-toned ass. Rather than hitting the free weights all alone, you need to join a class. Yes, classes are for girls, but that is exactly the point, my man. Get in the class, work up a sweat, make eyes at the hottie next to you in the mirror, and then offer to buy her a smoothie when you’re done. Bam! You’ll be showering together at her house in no time.

Don’t do anything really stupid like Zumba or urban dance cardio or some shit, because that will make you look like an elephant joining the ballet. But don’t go for anything too intense like Ultimate Abs or Bis, Tris, and Size either. You don’t want to end up the fresh meat for a bunch of guys who are working on the six-packs in their pecs (unless, of course, you do). Try yoga or spin class or something middle-of-the road that appeals to hotties who might be impressed by your fitness initiative.

When you get there, don’t pretend like you are the king of the class. Straight guys tend to think that they’re the fucking Tarzan of whatever gym they happen to be at and with enough grunts and muscle flexes everyone will pay attention to them. Yes, that is true, but they’ll only be looking at you because you are a dillhole. Someone confident in the gym can moisten the driest vagina, but if you want to get your dick in, don’t be a dick about it.

Ladies, however, can use a man’s Tarzan inclinations to their advantage. Just ask a guy for help. It’s the oldest trick in the book, but it’s sure to work. Just play to his vanity and go with something like, “Hey, buddy, you got some killer arms. Any tricks you can show me?” Next thing you know he’ll have you bent over a workout bench with his hands all over you, “improving your form.” You don’t have to act like a total ditz, though. After all, you’re at the gym so you should know the fundamentals. But making the guy think that he’s so hot he can make you look better is going to make him harder than a barbell rod.

As we all know, men are dogs, so you ladies will want to keep your look snatched together while you’re working out. Don’t show up in full makeup like your Donatella Versace out to do the stair climber for 30 minutes. That just looks like, well, you’re trying to find a bologna pony to ride at the gym. Go with a nice tight ponytail and a cute outfit that’s a little on the tight side (which is what most workout gear looks like these days anyway). Keep a towel with you to remove moisture from the face. Everyone loves big boobs, but not when you’re running on a treadmill and they’re flailing around like a drunk trying to ice skate. A sports bra is your best friend (and makes quite a fetching top).

Guys, there is one last option that is open to you and not the women: the steam room. Oh, there is one in the ladies’ locker room too, but the shenanigans you’ll find in yours don’t go on in hers. The steam room is like a modern masturbatorium. When you get a group of guys together in a foggy room with the testosterone pumping, there are going to be some fists pumping as well. Just sit there in your towel with your hand over your crotch and wait for someone else to pick up your signal. You don’t need to be gay to enjoy an audience or a helping hand. And, hey, if the chance of someone blowing you in a moist hot room gets you into the gym for an hour a few times a week, this might be the first resolution you actually stick to.

Previously – Hey Straight People, You’re Using Sex Drugs Wrong

@BrianJMoylan