The Dawn of the Indian Male Meme

Memes have pretty much been in existence since the early Neanderthal period. Who can deny that the cave paintings are just wholesome memes about a man and his cows? Some might even say the Egyptians were as obsessed with cats as today’s Instagrammers.

But in the 21st century, memes have come to serve a greater purpose. They have helped unite people and sometimes help talk about sex positivity as well. But while there are memes that act as chicken soup for your online soul, there’s a vast majority of meme creators who enjoy using an honest man’s loneliness and desires to mock him. Yes, dear brethren, the Indian man can no longer sit idly by as the Westerners keep making fun of his bad grammar and hinder his journey of finding the world’s best Bobs, I mean breasts.

As you can see, we have here an honest Indian male in his unnatural habitat looking for love, but alas, in all the wrong places. Because the chat he considered sacred is now available on Reddit and 9gag for the world to behold. And brothers and sisters, he isn’t alone in this. Several men across the world suffer from this rare phenomenon, wherein they confuse the profile they are supposed to message and their computers show them profiles from a couple of continents away. It’s a genuine mistake any person can make. Truth be told, Indian men are not used to looking at faces and bodies of women that are not covered in ghoonghat, so it’s only fair they learn to socialise with women who aren’t their wives trapped in senseless patriarchy. Liberation at home is worse than genocide in your neighbour’s house, my grandad always said.

One thing you need to know about the Indian man is that he isn’t afraid to speak his mind. He won’t let his lower secondary state board education come in the way of him expressing his needs. You might be a total stranger, but he knows you want his penas straight and simple. Or crooked and complicated. You ask for it, he shall provide. He took all this effort to contact someone who he doesn’t know, only to be rejected? You tell me on what planet is it fair? If Birju sees a profile he likes, then why would he shy away from saying hello, even if hello in some ancient Indian languages is pronounced “Show Vegana”. Birju believes that there is a different rush that a text from a White woman can provide that no white powder can.

Gone are the days when Bob reminded you of a cartoon character and consent on Facebook was a thing. The world is forever growing smaller and the Indian male will mark his territory come rain or high temperatures in his crotchal area.

As such, we need men who not only can stand up for his motherland but also demand a swift reply because that is the need of the hour, and he needs his daily dose of Bitch Lasagna.

Some might say there’s foreign interests involved in tarnishing the brand image of what Indians have strived so hard to create: that of hardworking cab drivers and tantric yogis. But I say, this is just the beginning. The world managed to move ahead and left us Indians behind. So when our leaders asked us if we needed better infrastructure and toilets, we said no, give us the fastest 4G connection you can for free and then see the wonders we create. And here we are, 2018 is a glorious year for Indian men, because now older Pajits and Ranjits are teaching their younger cousins how to approach White women and ask for their Bob pictures. If there’s one thing Indians adhere to, it’s tradition. Woh kehte hai na, harassment is hereditary.

I managed to narrow down a Suresh who runs a cyber cafe in Kolkata. And since the last time someone stepped inside a cyber cafe was during the Emergency, he gets a lot of free time. In fact, this enterprising young brown man has managed to make money out of his favourite hobby. He runs a healthy business where he recruits younger boys with dreams of marrying and settling down abroad. Suresh claims that his cousin Sandesh has already married and settled down in Colaba, which he tells me is in Portugal. He’s a good guy, Suresh. He himself believes that one day he’ll live in Amsterdam. He thinks it’s the next stop after Andheri. I truly support his delusion. When asked how he hopes to do it, he showed me this meme in response.

It takes a real dedicated person to spend all his time dreaming of bobs and vegana. Now I am someone who just stalks people I know already, but Suresh and his ilk spend hours scouring for women they have never met, only to expose their heart’s desires and be walked over. It’s cruel I tell you. Indian mard khatre mein hai. And we’ll sit idly by and do nothing? Thankfully, we won’t be reduced to a stereotype anymore. Thanks to valiant efforts of our man Utkarsh here:

As long as we have men like him, the fort will hold strong and together we shall enter the land of Bobs and Vegana as one true nation.

To end this piece, I shall leave all of you with this beautiful song by Hovey Benjamin. In this song, he captures the angst and the beauty of Indian poets who will forever continue to rot in your Others folder, because your pride gets in the way. Away with this vanity I say, free the bob.

After targeting our men, these uncouth Westerners are coming for our nursery rhyme industry. Leave Johnny and his dad out of this, y’all hear?

But to conclude, if there’s one thing I am certain of, it’s that in our dankest times, an Indian hero will emerge and he will ask you if you want his one-foot penis, and on that day, what will you choose to do?

Follow Navin Noronha on Twitter.