What’s it Like Collecting Bull Cum for a Living?

In the dairy and beef industry, artificial insemination (AI) is king. Rather than just standing back and let cows doing their thing, AI allows farmers to breed specific desirable traits in their livestock, while being much cheaper and simpler.

But at the end of day someone has to actually go out and collect the bull semen. I wanted to find out what it’s like to be that person. So I headed out to Bacchus Marsh, a town 57 kilometres north-west of Melbourne, to speak with Simon Amor. For more than 20 years, Simon’s job has been collecting bull semen. And if there’s anybody who knows what it’s like to be a bull cum pro, it’s him.

VICE: Hey Simon, can you tell me what’s going on here.
Simon Amor: What we’re doing is getting the bulls ready for collection. What we do first off is use a steer as a lead to get the bulls ready. Once the bulls mount the steer, we use what we call an “artificial vagina,” which has a vial attached and place the bull’s penis inside. That’s how we collect the semen.

Wait, artificial vagina? Do you mean a cow fleshlight?
Yeah it’s similar to a condom. It’s filled with water that’s 66 degrees, which is roughly the same temperature as a cow on heat. We put KY jelly in it then serve it to the bulls and they release inside.

Can the bulls tell the difference between the real thing or are they just on autopilot?
The bulls we have here have never been with a cow, so they don’t know the difference. We start with them at eight months old. It wouldn’t be with a problem if they had been with a cow but we do it to make sure they aren’t hesitant.

Tell me about the advantages of artificial insemination over el natural?
It’s important for the dairy industry. Instead of a farmer having two bulls who might not have the best genetic traits, a farmer now can have access to the best bulls in the population. It’s all about efficiency and creating the best cows you can breed.

How often do you… collect?
We usually do about 20 bulls a day, twice a week.

What’s the biggest load you’ve ever seen?
The biggest load we’ve seen was 14 ml. That filled the entire test tube. The average is around 5-8 ml, so that one was quite impressive. The amount really depends on the bull. If you’ve caught the bull at his peak, and you catch at the right time, he will release a lot more.

You’ve been doing this for 20 years. Do you remember the first time you ever did this?
I was about 19 or 20 and my main concern was that I was going to do it correctly. I wasn’t so much grossed out but more concerned about my safety. Bulls are big animals.

How long do the bulls take to cum?
It’s all very quick. Once they feel the heat on the end of their penis, they ejaculate. We don’t jerk them off or anything like that. Instead we use false mounting. We have the bulls mount the lead roughly three times for a moment then we pull them off, to get them excited. That’s their foreplay so to speak, so when they do mount the steer it’s all very quick and easy.

Are there any tricks you use to help a bull who’s not in the mood?
There’s a few we use. You can stroke them down the back leg, you have to make sure you don’t get kicked of course. You can show them the AV and shake it—so they can hear the water and get them alert. The majority of them know what they’re coming out to do. The older they get, the slower they get so that’s when those tricks come out to play.

You say the bulls know what they’re here for?
Definitely. We’ve been raising them since they were calves so they know what they’re here for. Part of the fact they’re so amenable for us to do this is that they want it to happen because they want to get off. They’re creatures of habit. When they come into that collection area, they know they’re here to get collected

You mean you’ve been collecting from them since they were calves? Is that normal, to start collecting bulls at such a young age?
It’s the only way to do it. You can’t be trying to collect from a five-year-old 1,000 kilogram bull that you’ve never collected from. It’s too much off a risk. The only thing you use to control a bull is a piece of rope and a nose ring. While the nose ring will slow him up a bit, he’s going to go when he wants to go.

You suggested before that this job can be dangerous?
It’s actually a safe job. There is always an element of risk but we have systems in place to collect the more difficult bulls. I’ve only been hurt a couple times. One time I was leading a bull and he got aggressive, bowled me over, and left me with a few scars but I was okay. We have people on site get seriously injured, but that was before my time. Nowadays you’ve got to be pretty stupid to get hurt.

Do you ever get squeamish or grossed out working here? I can smell semen in the air.
You still do get squeamish but, frankly, I’ve gotten used to it. I’ve been here for a while. It takes about 12 months to get used to it but, afterwards, you don’t even notice the smell or the conditions. You treat things like that professionally though. There’s no emotion towards it. It’s just the job.

Have you ever had a bull release onto you by mistake?
It doesn’t happen much but, over the 20 years, it’s happened hundreds of times. It generally happens when you’ve got young ones—usually less than 12 months old—because they do get excited very easily. They’re ready to go, so sometimes if you grab it, they will release.

Do you guys listen to music or have any similar routine to get yourselves ready?
We don’t listen to music or anything before or during. It’s very quiet. We try to keep it calm and a relaxed environment. We don’t want the bulls to get too excited, otherwise they’ll be out of control. Or they’ll jerk themselves off. The bulls are really responsive to your emotions.

Wait, the bulls jerk themselves off?
Yeah they actually do. They’ll thrust in the air if they get too excited and release all over the floor. We don’t want any of the product going to waste. It’s very valuable. Some of the bulls here can generate us millions of dollars.

Is there an element of caution when you “handle the bulls” then, so to speak?
Definitely. You don’t want to damage their penis because: no penis, no semen. I haven’t personally been there when there’s been a damaged penis but it can happen if you’re not careful. You’re meant to grab the sheath but sometimes you do grab the penis by accident. I’ve done that but, again, you act professionally when that happens.

What do your friends say about your line of work?
My friends make a lot of jokes at my expense. The tell me i’m working in the sex industry and make a lot of semen jokes. They tell me I’m a jerker. But I find most people are usually pretty interested in what I do.

What about on dates?
On dates I just say I work in the dairy industry. I have brought it up on dates before and the general response is “Really?!”

Does a job like this bleed into your personal life?
I like to switch off pretty quick. You’d go insane pretty quick if you didn’t. I do have some anxieties after work. I wonder if I collected this bull the right way, or if I should’ve collected that bull differently to get the best outcome but other than that, it doesn’t affect me.

Has it changed the way you look at sex?
With humans? Not at all. It’s completely different with humans. Bulls don’t need any foreplay at all. They’re not shy of one another. They’re here to work and I suppose with humans, it’s all nerves the first time. But I can honestly say these things don’t turn me on at all and do not influence my sex life.

Do you like your job?
I really do. I enjoy working with the animals. You wouldn’t do it if you didn’t. You do have to be patient but it’s good work. I enjoy the learning and seeing the calves grow into mature bulls. You really develop a relationship with them.

Thanks Simon. I’ll let you get back to work.

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