Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we’re going to make him call a popstar. This week: Sophie Ellis-Bextor
Gavin: Hi Sophie.
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Sophie: Hi there. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Not at all. Are you ready to play Polite Conversation?
I guess so.
Good.
Great…
So…
…
So what would you like to talk about?
Uh… please help me out with that. It’s a Friday afternoon, the sun is shining. I can talk about anything you like.
Oh. I see. Ok. Well… I don’t have anything planned. But I guess when people don’t necessarily know what to talk about, often they talk about the weather. Do you think we could attempt that?
I’m always happy to talk about the weather. It’s changeable. You can rely on it.
How do your weather-based conversations tend to turn out?
At the moment they’re good because the weather is good. Uh, I looked at the forecast for Glastonbury recently cause I’m playing there for the first time since 1998 when it absolutely bucketed down, and it’s not that bad. So that’s good. [This interview took place before it started absolutely bucketing down at Glastonbury]
Well that was a nice general weather-based conversation, wasn’t it?
Definitely!
But does your weather-chat ever extend to the genuinely meteorological? How much do you know, for instance, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, about the formation of clouds?
Well, my husband’s got a pilot’s license, and as part of that you have to study weather conditions. So he’s always explaining what kind of cloud cover is overhead.
You know a nimbus from a cumulonimbus?
I know the stuff about which way round it goes.
Which way round does it go?
I can’t remember right now. Do you know?
I have no idea.
Oh.
Tell me about yourself.
I’m 35. I’m a singer. Married. Got three little boys. I’m pretty happy, I’d say, this year. Yeah. I’m probably a bit dehydrated right now cause I can feel a headache coming on.
But what are you really like?
How long have you got… oh golly, I don’t know which bits are important to tell you.
Something really tragic or sordid would be good.
Umm…
What do your friends say about you?
I think they probably say I’ve got quite a dirty laugh. I’m always trying to find the funny stuff in things. I like cooking. I’m always buying random stuff on eBay. My house is a monument to that particular obsession.
What’s your eBay handle?
I’m not going to tell you. I picked it when I was 18, and I’d love to change it, but you can’t without losing your feedback. And I’m not prepared to give up my 100% positive feedback.
‘Groovejet1979’?
Worse.
How did you manage to maintain 100% positive feedback? I don’t want to go around aspersion-casting, but I can imagine you forgetting to send a package and narking off a woman in Godalming who’s trying to buy a vintage brooch from Groovejet1979.
I don’t sell a lot. Too much faff, on the whole – the bundling and boxing and posting. I’m more of a buyer, to be honest.
If I spent a long time with you, Sophie, do you think I would like you more or less than at the start?
More, because I like to think I would genuinely try and please you.
Really?
That’s just how I’m set. I’m a pleaser. I wish I could be one of those people who didn’t mind what people thought of them but I’d try and charm you.
But those sorts of people normally become less likeable with time because they’re essentially pale facades of themselves. Spiritual hermit crabs inside their own bodies.
I don’t think it would be fake. I would have a genuine desire to make you happy.
And I you, Sophie. Really. How did you come by this profound altruism?
I think I’ve always had it. It probably goes back to how you are in the school playground. It’s funny how much stuff is established before you even hit double figures.
And how were you in the school playground?
One of the best things about my schooldays was the girlfriends I made. I’m still friends with a lot of the people I knew at 11. But it wasn’t always an amazing time. Overall, I sort of was aware I would get through my school days, rather than relish them.
Did bad things happen?
Nothing dark and sinister. But I guess just fewer halcyon days than most people would want. I think girls, especially, can be quite cruel sometimes. I wouldn’t go back to being that age for anything.
You have children.
Yes.
Do they disappoint you a lot?
I come from a large family so I’m definitely prepared to embrace the chaos.
You have a husband.
Yes.
What’s that like?
I like my husband. He’s a good husband.
You have a house.
Yes.
Has it improved greatly in value in the present London property bubble?
I would imagine so. I suppose like a lot of people’s, it would have. But I suppose the key thing is that we really love to live there.
Do you sit around dinner tables talking about property prices?
Unfortunately I’m a grown-up now, so it does come up quite a lot at the moment. The other big middle class conversation-filler I’m into right now is schools. Our boys are coming up to secondary school age, and so there’s a constant discussion with other parents about where to send them.
State or private?
Oh, well we’re going to have to look at everything. I think you always do. My children at the moment are at a lovely, lovely, state primary, where they’re very happy, but I couldn’t rule anything out.
Would you send them to a strict school? Or would you send them to a school where they can learn the proper way to have underage sex and smoke dope?
I don’t think I’d like to send them to anything too strict. I’d prefer it if they could express themselves.
Do you think the London property market is overvalued? Or do you think there’s more disposable income out there than we’d ever imagined?
It’s a tricky one. I think a beautiful home in a nice place is always valuable. You know, in property programmes they’re always talking about “being logical”, but to me, I feel like you can allow yourself to be a bit emotional. If it’s somewhere you feel very emotional toward, then chances are, so will other people.
But do you think Help To Buy has been a success? Has it leveraged the market in the right way?
Well I gather lending is still at a peak and increasing month-by-month.
Blimey!
Or at least I heard that on the radio this morning. But it’d be uncomfortable to think people weren’t living within their means.
Anyway Sophie, speaking as a woman, what do you think of hummus?
I love hummus.
Precisely. But if you were speaking from the perspective of a freshly-roasted chicken, what would your views be on sage & onion?
I love a bit of sage & onion. Actually, I’ve recently started roasting chicken with chorizo. It works surprisingly well.
I can’t get behind that.
You should!
Is there anything else you think we should talk about?
Uhm, nothing’s springing to mind to mind. It’s been nice having a chat though. I like talking about food!
Well from now on, Sophie, you will have to do so on your own.
Follow Gavin on Twitter: @GavHaynes
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