The VICE Interview: Craig Charles

(Top image: Channel 5)

I’m not going to sit here and explain Craig Charles to you as if you don’t know who Craig Charles is. Because Craig Charles is everything, to everyone: author, poet, actor, comedian, funk and soul DJ, TV presenter, cackling Scouser. You know Craig Charles from Red Dwarf and Robot Wars and Coronation Street. Imagine living a life where you do not know who Craig Charles is. Not worth living it, truly

So we all know who Craig Charles is. Craig Charles is also jetlagged, when we talk, having just completed a round trip from Australia. Craig Charles does not go into detail as to why he went to Australia, but he’s the host of Channel 5’s The Gadget Show now, so maybe that is related. I don’t know. I probably should have asked that, you’re right. Anyway, here’s Craig Charles:

VICE: If you could live in any period in history, which would you pick?
Craig Charles: The future.

The future is not an answer Craig, sorry.
I often wonder what it’d be like to live three million years in the future, but if I wanted to live in the past there’s a few eras. I’d like to do Rome. I’d like to see Tudor England. I’d love a bit of Victoriana as well. The thing is, I’d be a serf or a slave in all of those times.

Yeah, it’s a tricky one. What about the Egyptians and the pyramids and stuff like that?
Yeah, I mean that’s sort of quite exciting as well. I’d love to see them getting made. But I want the future already.

Sort of related: what conspiracy theory do you believe?
What conspiracy theory do I believe? Well, I do believe in aliens. I do believe that they came a long time ago. There’s too many coincidences, and with the pyramids and things like that. If you look at the ancient Mayan artwork and stuff like that, they’ve got people with space helmets on their heads. So I do believe aliens physically visited Earth previously. That makes me sound like a wacko, doesn’t it?

I think it’s weird not to believe in them at this point, because it’s a huge universe and it’s sort of quite egotistical to think we’re the only forms of intelligent life out there.
I think so.

Who is more attractive – you or your partner?
My wife, of course. My wife, definitely. In fact, you’d be a wrong’un if you thought you were better looking than your missus, wouldn’t you? If you thought you were slumming it.

What would your specialist subject on Mastermind be?
Funk and soul. But like, it’s such a big genre, so you’d have to trim it down. Specialise in a kind of soul, like northern soul, you know.

What’s the best fact you know about funk?
I know so much. I’m not an expert, but I know a few things. I think someone did a Mastermind about Red Dwarf. We did a special called Universe Challenge, where we had four fans against four members of the cast, and they battered us. They knew what time it was on a clock in the middle of a scene. How shit must our acting be if they’re looking at a clock at the back of a wall?

What are you more of a fan of: dogs or babies?
I’ve got a new puppy at the moment, called Ziggy, who’s doing my head in. He’s a golden retriever crossed with a poodle, so he’s a golden doodle. I think he should be called a poo retriever. He’s doing my head in, so I’d say babies. My nephew has just had a baby called Theo and he’s cute as a button, so I’m going to go with babies. I’m a warm and caring individual.

How many drinks do you have to have before you’re falling over drunk?
I have a tremendous capacity for alcohol. I wouldn’t like to think [about how many drinks it woukd take]. I’m not allowed to drink Scotch any more because my wife said it turns me into a knobhead. I think Scotch turns everyone into a knobhead. I don’t drink Scotch anyway, I drink Jameson’s. But I don’t like whiskey because it turns me into a knobhead. I can certainly put it away without anyone even noticing.

What’s your go-to drink then?
White wine or a rose. I like the really pale, straw-coloured pink rather than the reddy pink. Reddy pink is too sweet. Or vodka and diet coke.

“When I told my parents I was going to be a poet, you wouldn’t have wanted to witness that conversation. ‘I’m going to be a poet, mum!’ – ‘Get the fuck out of here.’”

How many vodka diet cokes do you need before you’re falling over?
I wouldn’t like to say. I can do half a bottle without any serious side effects. It’s not good. I’m not proud of it. I’m borderline ashamed. I’ve been known to drink three bottles of wine, but I think wine makes you drunker than vodka does. You get that kind of drunk where you’ve just had enough and you get that burning sensation inside of you and you think: ‘I just can’t drink any more.’ But have you ever gotten so drunk that you’ve drunk yourself sober again? I have been in that kind of situation myself, and that’s when you know you’ve got to get another hobby.

Would you rather change one day from your past or see one day from your future?
I’d rather change one day from my past. My dad dying wasn’t a good day, and my brother Dean dying wasn’t a good day, because I was on national television. I was on I’m a Celebrity and I got told he died suddenly. He was only 52. I’m 52 now. He just dropped dead. So I’d like to change that day.

Would you have sex with a robot?
[ Without even pausing for a second] Yeah. 

Which Robot Wars house robot, if you had to, would you have sex with?
None of them, I’m afraid.

Not even Killalot?
Killalot! God, he’d kill you.

I feel like he could be modified, though, because he has those hands.
They’re not very sensitive, healing or tender hands, though, are they? He’d chop your cock off! They look like hands that would cut your cock off.

What about Matilda?
Matilda’s got a chainsaw! Another one that’d cut your cock off. Sergeant Bash if you kiss him, you’re burned. He’s not friendly. They’re fighters, not lovers.

So you’ve never tried, or anything?
No. Not that I’m going to admit. I’ve never been caught.

What was your worst phase as a human being?
I don’t know. This interview. I don’t really have a worst phase. I’ve had some average phases.

Maybe it’s to come.
It’s in the future, mate. I’ll have a look at that day in the future.

What would your parents have preferred you to choose as a career?
They wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher or some profession. When I told them I was going to be a poet, you wouldn’t have wanted to witness that conversation. “I’m going to be a poet, mum!”; “Get the fuck out of here.” They wanted me to go into a profession, lawyering or doctoring or something like that. They didn’t want me to be a showman.

When in your life have you been truly overcome with fear?
I don’t frighten easily. [ Thinks for a really long time about a time he was scared] When Liverpool were getting beat three nil in [the Champion’s League final in] Istanbul, I was in this bar in Manchester and I was still on Coronation Street. So I’m watching the cup final with a load of Man U fans and they were really taking the piss out of me at half time. At the end of the game, when we had come back and witnessed the miracle of Istanbul, I had had a lot of vodka and I started really teasing them. I was up on the tables calling the odds, celebrating. That nearly got a bit… but it was an amazing night.

Weeing in the shower, yes or no?
Definitely. Definitely, yeah. Not a municipal shower. You’ve got to draw the line somewhere. In your home shower, I think that’s OK.

What would be your last meal?
Probably something West Indian, like jerk chicken or curried goat. Jerk chicken, rice and peas. If my auntie was alive cooking it that would be brilliant. Hers was the best. My dad’s sisters and my uncle and his wife and her sisters, I suppose they’re what you could call “big black mamas”. They spent their whole time in the kitchen cooking curries and making this really thin flatbread, and then you roll your curry up in that and eat it. They were some of the best days of my life, in their kitchen eating curry… man.

The Gadget Show  starts Friday the 10th of March at 7PM on Channel 5.

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