Welcome to “Pub Notes”, a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don’t miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.
MOVERS AND MILKSHAKERS
“MILKSHAKING” HAS HIT THE SHORES OF UK POLITICS AS UKIP CANDIDATE CARL BENJAMIN, FORMER EDL LEADER TOMMY ROBINSON AND NIGEL FARAGE ALL GOT SOAKED IN RECENT WEEKS. HOWEVER, IT WAS THE DOUSING OF BREXIT PARTY ROSETTE-WEARING PENSIONER DON MACNAUGHTON BY AN ALLEGED “YOB” OUTSIDE A POLLING STATION DURING THURSDAY’S EUROPEAN ELECTIONS THAT DREW THE MOST CONDEMNATION ONLINE.
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A GOFUNDME HAS SO FAR RAISED OVER £5,000 ON MACNAUGHTON’S BEHALF. DESCRIBED AS A VETERAN OF THE PARACHUTE REGIMENT FOR 22 YEARS WHO “WOULDN’T HARM A FLY”, MCHAUGHTON SERVED IN NORTHERN IRELAND DURING “THE TROUBLES”.
CSI: TWITTER WAS QUICK TO DO A MILK SPLATTER ANALYSIS OF THE ALLEGED INCIDENT WITH MANY CONCLUDING IT WAS A POTENTIAL SELF-POUR AND SMEAR JOB. SOME EVEN REMAINED UNCONVINCED IT WAS A MILKSHAKE THAT HAD BEEN USED. JUDGING BY THE TEXTURE AND LACK OF SPREAD, A FRUIT YOGURT WAS PROPOSED AS THE POTENTIAL LIQUID.
SPEAKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, FARAGE SAID: “I THINK IT IS ABSOLUTELY APPALLING, BUT UNSURPRISING. WHAT IS CLEAR IS THE PARACHUTE REGIMENT WILL NOT BE DETERRED BY FANATICAL REMAINERS.”
PIERS MORGAN CHIMED IN, AS HE IS WONT TO DO, CLAIMING MACNAUGHTON “WAS MANNING A BREXIT PARTY POLLING STATION” WHEN HE WAS ATTACKED, WHICH WOULD BE AN IMPRESSIVE BENDING OF THE ELECTORAL RULES, EVEN FOR THE BREXIT PARTY.
“MILKSHAKE TODAY. BRICKS TOMORROW. PETROL BOMBS NEXT WEEK,” TWEETED JOEY BARTON, WHICH WAS MEANT TO SOUND LIKE AN OMINOUS WARNING OF THE FUTURE, BUT SOUNDED MORE LIKE A CALL TO ARMS IN A GLORIOUS REVOLUTION AGAINST FASCISM.
DESPITE ALL THIS MILKSHAKE DISCOURSE, THE EU ELECTION POLLS EVENTUALLY OPENED IN THE UK ON THURSDAY WITH THE BREXIT PARTY EXPECTED TO PULL IN OVER A THIRD OF THE VOTE, ALTHOUGH WE WON’T KNOW THE FULL RESULT UNTIL SUNDAY.
BUT EVEN BEFORE THE VOTES HAVE BEEN TOTTED UP, FARAGE HAS ARGUABLY CLAIMED THE HEAD OF ANOTHER CONSERVATIVE PRIME MINISTER AS THERESA MAY ANNOUNCED ON FRIDAY THAT SHE WILL STAND DOWN AS LEADER OF THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY ON THE 7TH OF JUNE, SPARKING A CONTEST TO DECIDE BRITAIN’S NEW TORY PRIME MINISTER AMID GROWING CABINET REVOLT AND A COMPREHENSIVE ASS-WHOOPING FOR THE TORIES IN THE EU ELECTIONS.
FARAGE’S LACK OF MANIFESTO IS ARGUABLY MORE ANTI-POLITICS THAN A THOUSAND FLUNG BANANA AND SALTED CARAMELS FROM FIVE GUYS, AND WHILE HIS ENTIRE CAMPAIGNING STYLE OF REPEATING “BREXIT” LIKE A PREJUDICED HODOR IS INSIPID, HE DOESN’T NEED TO DO ANYTHING ELSE THANKS TO THE ASTONISHING COVERAGE THE BRITISH MEDIA HAVE AFFORDED HIM OVER THE LAST DECADE.
MORRISSEY, ON OUR HANDS A DEAD STAR
THE WORLD’S OLDEST RECORD STORE, SPILLERS RECORDS IN CARDIFF, HAS BANNED THE SALE OF MORRISSEY RECORDS IN LIGHT OF HIS RECENT SUPPORT OF THE FAR-RIGHT POLITICAL PARTY “FOR BRITAIN” – WHOSE IDEOLOGY SEEMS TO BE ENTIRELY BASED AROUND WHITE BRITISH NATIONALISM.
MORRISSEY WORE A PIN SUPPORTING THE ANTI-ISLAM GROUP DURING HIS RESIDENCY IN NEW YORK AND WHILE PERFORMING ON THE TONIGHT SHOW EARLIER THIS MONTH.
ANNE MARIE WATERS, PARTY LEADER OF THE FAR-RIGHT “FOR BRITAIN” THANKED MORRISSEY FOR RAISING THE PROFILE OF HER PARTY: “I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE TRAFFIC TO OUR WEBSITE EXPLODED WITH THE STORY BREAKING OF YOU WEARING THE FOR BRITAIN BUTTON BADGE.” SHE CLAIMED THE BADGES WERE “SELLING LIKE HOT CAKES” AFTER THE IMAGES OF MORRISSEY – WHO SHE HOPES “TO MEET ONE DAY” – EMERGED ONLINE.
SPILLERS’ OWNER ASHLI TODD SAID, “I’M SADDENED BUT ULTIMATELY NOT SURPRISED THAT SPILLERS IS UNABLE TO STOCK MORRISSEY’S RELEASES ANY LONGER,” ADDING, “I ONLY WISH I’D DONE IT SOONER.”
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT COINCIDES WITH THE RELEASE OF MORRISSEY’S LATEST SOLO ALBUM CALIFORNIA SO – A COVERS ALBUM THAT HAS LARGELY RECEIVED NEGATIVE REVIEWS FOR ITS “TROLL-LIKE SPIRIT”.
MORRISSEY’S WORK WITH THE SMITHS AND HIS EARLY SOLO ALBUMS ALWAYS CAME ACROSS AS PRO-WORKING CLASS AND STAUNCHLY ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT. HARD TO BELIEVE THIS IS THE SAME CUNT WHO LONGED FOR MARGARET ON THE GUILLOTINE TO “PLEASE DIE” OR WAILED CONSTANTLY ABOUT HATING THE FUCKING QUEEN.
MORRISSEY REFUSED TO WATCH THE LONDON 2012 OLYMPICS “DUE TO THE BLUSTERING JINGOISM THAT DRENCHES THE EVENT”, ASKING “HAS ENGLAND EVER BEEN QUITE SO FOUL WITH PATRIOTISM?” BUT NOW YOU’LL FIND HIM SPOUTING ABOUT HOW HE LIKES NIGEL FARAGE “A GREAT DEAL” AND SYMPATHISES OVER THE “SHOCKING TREATMENT” OF TOMMY ROBINSON.
I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A CONTRARY WIND-UP-MERCHANT, WHICH WAS FINE WHEN HIS TARGETS WERE OPPRESSIVE ELITIST FIGURES OR CORRUPT INSTITUTIONS, BUT HIS SUPPORT OF ETHNOCENTRIC POLITICAL EXTREMISTS IS LESS ENDEARING.
WHILE SOME WILL SAY IT OPENS A CAN OF WORMS ABOUT WHO AND WHAT SHOULD BE BARRED FROM RECORD SHOPS WHEN BASICALLY YOUR PARENTS’ ENTIRE MUSIC COLLECTION IS RAM-JAMMED FULL OF ROCK STARS WHO FUCKED KIDS WHILE YOUR OWN IS FULL OF PROBLEMATIC POP-PUNK AND RAP (THERE’S PROBABLY ABOUT A DOZEN WHOLESOME RECORDS MADE IN THE LAST 50 YEARS LEFT), A GOOD RULE OF THUMB SEEMS TO BE NOT TO BE A PRACTICING BIGOT.
I SUPPOSE MORRISSEY WAS ONCE LIKE YOUR FAVOURITE UNCLE: YOU LOVED HIM GROWING UP, HE PROBABLY EVEN IMPARTED WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU DURING YOUR FORMATIVE YEARS THAT HAVE STAYED WITH YOU, BUT HE’S PERMO ON HIS FIFTH WORTHINGTON CREAMFLOW OF THE NIGHT THESE DAYS AND HE SIMPLY MUST BE CANCELLED.
THE NATIONAL BAREBACK RESULTS ARE IN
THE UK CITIES WHERE YOU’RE MOST LIKELY TO CATCH A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTION HAVE BEEN REVEALED THIS WEEK. RESEARCHES HAVE RANKED CARDIFF AS THE UK’S POOREST CITY FOR SEXUAL HEALTH, AHEAD OF GLASGOW AND BELFAST, WHICH CLAIMED THE RESPECTED SILVER AND BRONZE AT THESE BAREBACK UK CHAMPIONSHIPS. BRISTOL CAME ON TOP OF THE “GOOD” SEXUAL HEALTH CHART, WITH THE LOWEST NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO’VE NEVER BEEN TESTED FOR AN STI, AT 42 PERCENT.
ACCORDING TO THE SURVEY YOU’RE MORE LIKELY TO CONTRACT GONORRHOEA OR CHLAMYDIA IN THE WELSH CAPITAL THAN ANY OTHER PLACE IN BRITAIN.
WINNING THE STI CUP WILL NO DOUBT SERVE AS CONSOLATION TO THE WELSH CITY, WHOSE FOOTBALL TEAM WAS RELEGATED FROM THE PREMIER LEAGUE THIS SEASON.
THE FINDINGS SHOW JUST 22 PERCENT OF PEOPLE IN CARDIFF PUT ON A “FRENCH LETTER” DURING SEX, WHILE 11 PERCENT SAID THEY WOULDN’T GET CHECKED FOR AN STI AFTER SMASHING PISSERS SANS PROTECTION.
THE CITY ALSO HAD THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO SAID THEY DID NOT THINK THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO RECOGNISE THE WARNING SIGNS OF AN STI – WHICH PROBABLY ALSO MAKES CARDIFF THE UNOFFICIAL KNOB-CHEESE CAPITAL OF THE UK.
THE DATA CAME FROM A SURVEY OF 2,368 PEOPLE ACROSS 28 CITIES WHO WERE ASKED ABOUT NINE DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF SEXUAL HEALTH BY PHARMACY MEDICINE DIRECT AS PART OF A CAMPAIGN CALLED “FRUIT OF YOUR LOINS“, WHICH AIMS TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT SEXUAL HEALTH.
THE RESEARCH ALSO SHOWED THAT 32 PERCENT OF THE UK AS A WHOLE DON’T GET TESTED BECAUSE THEY DON’T BELIEVE THEY’RE AT RISK OF CATCHING STIS FROM CLAPPING CHEEKS, WHILE A THIRD OF THE PUBLIC SAID THEY WERE NEVER TAUGHT ABOUT THE DANGERS OF INFECTIONS AT SCHOOL – ALTHOUGH IF THEY HAD THE SAME SEX-ED TEACHER AS ME IN SCHOOL COMMENTATING: “SEE, IT’S NOT BIG AND IT’S NOT CLEVER” TO A SLIDESHOW OF DECOMPOSING SCHLONGS, THEY’D PROBABLY ALL BE DOUBLE SADDLING THEIR HORSE TO THIS DAY.
SUPERINTENDENT PHARMACIST AT MEDICINE DIRECT HUSSAIN ABDEH SAID: “OUR SURVEY HAS HIGHLIGHTED THAT PEOPLE ARE TAKING A RISK WITH THEIR OWN HEALTH, AND OTHER PEOPLE’S. IT’S WORTH REMEMBERING THAT SOME STIS, SUCH AS CHLAMYDIA, MAY HAVE NO VISIBLE SYMPTOMS BUT CAN BE VERY DAMAGING IF LEFT UNTREATED”.
SHADOW HEALTH SECRETARY JON ASHWORTH HAS SAID THAT HEALTH SERVICES MUST BE BOOSTED TO HELP STOP THE SPREAD OF INFECTIONS. NEW FIGURES SHOW THAT FACE-TO-FACE CONSULTATIONS OVER SEXUAL HEALTH HAVE FALLEN BY 85,000, WITH THE TOTAL NUMBER OF CONTACTS WITH SEXUAL HEALTH SERVICES HAVING DROPPED BY 245,000 SINCE 2015-16.
“THESE DEEP CUTS TO SEXUAL HEALTH SERVICES ARE COMPLETELY SHORT-SIGHTED AND WILL ONLY LEAD TO WIDER PRESSURES ON THE NHS IN THE LONG TERM,” ASHWORTH CONTINUED. “THE GOVERNMENT CAN’T BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY ON THEIR COMMITMENT TO PREVENTION WHILE AT THE SAME TIME CUTTING VITAL SERVICES THAT PROVIDE CONTRACEPTION, TACKLE SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS AND OFFER CRUCIAL SUPPORT AND ADVICE”.
IF THE THOUGHT OF GOING TO THE GUM CLINIC IS TOO GRIM, OR FATHERING A CHILD THAT WILL MOST LIKELY DESTROY YOUR LIFE FOR THE NEXT TWO DECADES ISN’T ENOUGH TO ENCOURAGE GOOD SEXUAL PRACTISE, ANTIBIOTIC-RESISTANT SUPER-STRAINS OF STIS ARE ON THE RISE WORLDWIDE, WITH MANY EXPERTS FEARING SOME STRAINS COULD BECOME “UNTREATABLE”.
JUST REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT “HOT PUDDING FOR SUPPER” YOU HORNY CUNTS.
