Nine Times Smoking Weed Went Terribly Wrong

To doink or not to doink, that is the question.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous doinks, or to take arms against a sea of doinks, and by opposing end them? To die, to doink, no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural doinks that flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to doink.

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Basically what I’m trying to say here is, smoking weed is good, but smoking weed is also bad. For every good high there’s a bad one; a green kush nug for each dimebag of reginald.

We’ve rounded up nine stories from our archive of weed-related calamities that might give you pause the next time you prepare to spark that big ‘ol blunt.

Quite Literally Too High

Scafell Pike. Photo via Wikimedia commons

In September 2017, four men had to be rescued from England’s highest mountain after “becoming incapable of walking due to cannabis use,” according the local police force. No one was arrested, but a local police sergeant did say substance use “has no place on a mountain.”

Enough is Enough

Back in 2015, we talked to a bunch of former stoners who had to give up the ganja for one reason or another. In a story titled “Strange Bedfellows,” an anonymous contributor told a story of how he quit smoking weed after an evening spent busking with a djembe turned into getting way too high in a spooky old house with a strange old wizard man who couldn’t stop talking about cutting people open. Who among us, honestly?

“Return My Bong”

Jeffrey Shaver was just a simple man with a bong. That is, until a bizarre incident with a hospital vending machine led to cops arresting him for possession of marijuana, seizing his bong in the process. However, the 31-year-old man wouldn’t let this aggression stand, man, and began protesting outside an Ontario courthouse wearing a green speedo and carrying a “RETURN MY BONG” sign. Miraculously, Shaver’s protest worked, and he actually got his bong back.

Beware the Bag

Our friends at VICE UK asked people about the experiences that made them stop smoking weed last year, and one particular answer stands out. Semi-anonymous person Daniel told VICE’s Nilu Zia that he was a casual smoker when he visited Amsterdam with some seasoned stoners. They decided to inhale some “vaporized isolate” from a bag and, “to this day, the only way I can describe what happened to me in words is that I got locked inside my own mind.” Daniel described what followed as like being “thrown all of the world’s most challenging philosophical conundrums to deal with all at once, and I couldn’t even word to my friend what was happening as he walked me around the area to calm me down.” Damn.

VICE UK? More Like VICE UK, U OK?

VICE UK’s Nilu Zia also collected six stories of people embarrassing themselves after getting too high. All of these tales of weed woe end in copious puking, except one from this dude Billy who said he once got so high that he spent “two hours trying to feed the crocodile on my Lacoste polo shirt.” Shout out to you, Billy. You seem chill.

The Cake Is a Lie

In an epic entry to her “Florida Stories” column, VICE’s Allie Conti describes the time she mistakenly ate weed-laced cakes in a former drug kingpin’s van, was almost roped into joining a hemp cartel, and had to interview a jail inmate while high as balls. Lit!

Double Check the Recipe

In similar news, an anonymous contributor wrote an account for Broadly of accidentally making pot brownies with ten times too much weed. Due to a misplaced decimal point, this person was high for 48 hours. “At one point, I was like, ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again.’” Moral of the story, consider a better recipe next time.