We Asked The People Of Britain What Jay Z Did Wrong

TMZ released a video yesterday that, reportedly, showed Solange beating up JAY Z. It’s in black and white, there is no sound, and it’s very shocking; not just because it’s the first public crack in the world’s most perfect family, but also because it’s a wonder that we’re still living in a world in which CCTV cameras cannot record audio.

Soon after the video infiltrated the internet, conspiracy theorists jumped to conclusions: ranging from some pretty gross speculating that Jay Z has been poking Gwyneth Paltrow to substance abuse to “maybe Solange was just annoyed that JAY Z kept shouting ‘it’s ya boy” whenever he entered the room”.

If either sister was hurt, or even if JAY Z exited the lift with a bloody lip; this would obviously not be a joke. But because everyone seemed to be fine and Bey and Jay were pictured courtside at a Nets game on Monday evening, people have begun to make wild assumptions about the ins and outs of a personal family matter. However, anyone can say anything on the internet, so we took to the street to find real people and their theories.

It’s worth nothing that while the world is still lolling at an image of Beyoncé as Homer Simpson, it’s pretty fucking horrifying that so many of the men we spoke to were happy to tell a total stranger that they’d hit a woman, often claiming they’d be unable to control themselves.

And on that cheery note…

Hi, can I ask you a question about the video of Solange kicking JAY Z?

Guy facing the wall: Do I get paid for this?

I barely get paid. Why do you think it happened?

Fuck knows. I was trying to figure that out all night myself. Probably cheating or something.

If your sister in law did that to you what would you do?

I’d have punched her in the face.

For real?

Yeah, this is London man. If someone hits you, you hit back. It’s the English way.

For some reason this guy did not want us taking a photo of his face. But the girl he was with was fine to be in the photo. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So what was this Solange thing all about?

Shaun: I don’t know what it was about, does anyone know what it was about?

Nah, that’s what we’re trying to work out.

It might have been a publicity stunt. When I was watching it there was no volume, innit. I couldn’t hear what was going on in the elevator.

That’s the thing. Why, in 2014, can we still not get audio from CCTV cameras? What world is this?

Shaun: I don’t know, but this might have been something for his latest video. But yeah, I think it’s a publicity stunt myself. How come there’s no audio? How come it came out like that?

Excuse me, have you seen the video of Solange beating up JAY Z?

No.

Okay. Can I take a photo of you anyway?

Sure.

Why do you think Solange kicked JAY Z?

Olivia: Because she’s hammered.

Because she’s hammered?

Yeah.

You don’t think it’s because of any other reason? Is that what people do when they get really hammered? Boot people with their heels?

Yeah, we’ve been debating that upstairs. It could be that Jay Z cheated on Beyonce but I choose not to believe that.

JAY Z didn’t do anything. He didn’t react.

Maybe he’s a gent, you can’t hit back to a girl.

It’s obviously wrong for men to do that to women. But on the flipside, Is it okay for a girl to kick a guy while wearing massive heels and go Mike Tyson on his ass?

No.

Who would win out of a fight between Solange and the rest of Destiny’s Child?

Beyonce – she’s Sasha Fierce!

Hello, have you seen the video of Solange attacking JAY Z?

Amy: Well, my friend sent me the link but the video that I saw wasn’t that clear. My friend said that Beyonce was in the video but I couldn’t see her in it.

TMZ said that Beyonce is in the video. What did you think about it?

He’s obviously upset for some reason, he’s obviously done something pretty bad for her to react like that. But then if Beyonce is in the lift at the same time, and she’s not doing anything, it’s a bit unusual. How has that footage even come out?

Do you think it’s all a publicity stunt?

I didn’t think it was but then when I watched the news this morning they were like – where did this footage come from?

We tried to take a photo of these two scumbags but they declined. The photo above is of Scumbag Steve.

Do you know why Solange physically attacked JAY Z?

Scumbag One: I don’t know who Solange is.

Scumbag Two: She didn’t like his song, “99 Problems”. She wanted to make sure that it was a round number.

Cool joke. Haven’t seen that one on Twitter at all. What would you do if a girl kicked you?

Scumbag One: You would just slap her, wouldn’t you?

Scumbag Two: For me, I don’t agree with females, in general, hitting males. If a female hit me, I would just restrain her. But I’ve seen a female who fought like a man, and when it’s at that point, she deserves to get hurt like a man.

Scumbag One: Just slap her, it’ll shock her.

Scumbag Two: Nah, it won’t shock her at all mate. I’ve seen a female fight like a man – she punched someone and knocked him out. My mate put his hands like this – *makes a defensive stance* – and she kept punching his hands and broke two of his fingers. He walked away crying and I was like, mate, you fanny. I would have swung straight at her. If someone can break my fingers, they’re getting hurt, full stop.

Right.

Or just a front kick to the chest, watch them fall across the floor or something. Done.

Why is Solange kicking JAY Z in the lift?

Paris: Well… she’s probably not a very good drinker. I know that family doesn’t drink much and I have a feeling he probably said something…

Like a funny joke?

Yeah, about her career, something that touched a nerve and then she just went BANG.

If your sister started beating up your husband, what would you do?

I don’t think Beyonce was there.

I’m pretty sure she was.

Well, I don’t like drama either. I’d try to stop the drama too just like JAY Z was clearly trying to stop the drama.

What do you think of JAY Z?

Chris: I don’t like JAY Z.

Okay.

I don’t care. People got to do what they got to do.

Would you kick JAY Z?

If I had a problem with him then I would, but I don’t have a problem with him.

But you just said you don’t like JAY Z… why don’t you like him?

I don’t support him. He’s straight up illuminati.

It sounds like you’ve got important information. Can I take a photo of you?

No. I’m with several agencies.

Oh, I didn’t realise. You look like a cyclist.

What did you make of it?

Luke: I wasn’t too sure, the fact that it was posted by TMZ…

People have suggested that because TMZ posted it, it’s a publicity stunt.

Perhaps, or just some rumour spreading thing, because Beyonce’s about to release a new album, or if it is a publicity stunt maybe the sister is about to release a new album.

Surely that would be detrimental to her public image though?

Yeah but didn’t Marilyn Manson once say “any publicity is good publicity”?

Actually it was early-20th century Irish author Brendan Behan. If you were in Jay Z’s situation what would you have done?

If it actually happened?

It did happen. But, yeah.

I’d have done what he did. I haven’t seen it in full, but he doesn’t show any retaliation does he?

What did you make of it?

Patrick: It was entertaining, but the way he handled it was very mature. If he hit her, he would’ve been all over Instagram.

Thank god it’s only in every newspaper and leading every news bulletin, all over the world. Would you have done the same?

I would like to say yes, but being in that situation, I might quickly react. If I could have it my way, if I could control my emotions, I would’ve reacted the same way, 100%.

What did you think actually happened?

It’s definitely real, my mate thinks Jay Z had an affair. How can someone get that angry? What could he have done for her to react that viciously?

Beyonce’s in the lift and she doesn’t do anything.

The fact that even after getting kicked she was still against Jay Z, it means he did something really bad. As a wife she should have intervened.

She should’ve protected him?

Nah, she should’ve stood in the middle and just said ‘another time, we can do this when we go home. We’ve got the gloves, get a ring and sort it out’.

Fair enough.

Follow Lev on Twitter: @LevHarris1

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