Something is stirring. When you woke up this morning, did you feel it? Did you sense the sun a little too hot on your neck, smell the Soltan on the air, inexplicably long for a crochet crop top in which to envelop your weary body? If not today, then you will soon. It is happening again.
Friends, Romans, people whose greatest pleasure in life is watching stacked nightclub promo guys get increasingly worrying sunburn: lend me your ears. On Monday night at 9:30PM GMT, Love Island released its promo video for 2019, presenting its first 12 contestants to the world, preened like competitors in the “Toy” category at Crufts.
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So far, none of the 12 are particularly surprising (by which I mean, most of them have about 7-percent body fat and describe themselves as “flirty”). And though it’ll be interesting to see if ITV breaks the mould with later additions to the villa – a fat person, I beg – it is worth considering that the winners are generally always from the original crop of contestants. Statistically speaking, it is highly likely that two of this lot are going to win the figurative prize of “the nation’s collective heart,” and also the more material and therefore much better “£50,000 in cash.”
As such, it feels pertinent to ask who that will be. For it is like I always say: what better way to kick off a summer of judging the every action of these complete strangers than to guess their fates in the competition based on their photos and a three-minute ITV promotional video? Journey with me into the sublime.
LUCIE AND AMY
I’ve got to be honest, I thought these were the same person until like halfway through the promo, so have grouped them together as The Obligatory Blondes, like Gabby, Hayley, and many esteemed others before them.
Amy (on the right) is an air hostess, and aesthetically seems to have been chosen to attract the Laura Anderson 2019 Calendar crowd. She has a bit of the Dani Dyer about her – sweet, innocent, perfect face for the front of packets of strip eyelashes – and I think will probably do well as a result.
RE: Lucie, I am trying to reserve judgement because on one hand: this swimsuit choice is deeply powerful. But on the other, her early insistence on shoehorning the phrases “bevnished off” and “fwoofed off” (sinister innit?) into the promo video gives extremely strong Girl From School Who Pretended to Be a Cat for an Entire Year vibes, so really, the jury is out.
Prediction: Amy will have her heart broken by Tommy Fury and viewers will launch a Change.org petition to have him removed from the villa; Lucie will become embroiled in a post-show royalties battle with Primark who have printed t-shirts emblazoned with the word “fwoof.” Incidentally, her swimwear selections will single-handedly get me into a grand’s worth of credit card debt.
SHARIF
I like Sharif because unlike a lot of the others, he seemed quite comfortable on camera which – real talk! – is an important attribute to have as a Love Island contestant unless you want to end up at the Georgia Steele School of Detestable Histrionics.
Prediction: Can see him doing reasonably well – the de facto narrator of the season, like Olivia Atwood before him.
AMBER
“If people get on the wrong side of me,” says Amber, “you’ll know about it.” Hopefully this means that in the grand tradition of Geordies on TV – Ellie from Love Island last year, Vicky Pattinson – she calls someone a cunt, which is absolutely the way to my heart.
Prediction: Actually doesn’t matter how well she does because ultimately, she has probably already signed that six-figure Pretty Little Thing ambassador deal.
JOE
Joe is 22 and apparently owns a catering business, which screams “Tory” and is unfortunate for me because they have clearly cast him for the Harry Styles fan demographic, of which I am, predictably, a part.
Prediction: Will say something divisive about Brexit in the first week.
YEWANDE
Like season 3’s Camilla and season 4’s Zara before her, Yewande, a scientist, is this year’s Smart Woman You Wouldn’t Expect to Go On a Vapid Show Like This. Unlike those two, however (Camilla: too mumsy, Zara: too Brexit), in her few seconds on camera so far, she appears to be one of the most charismatic of the bunch. Looking forward to her inevitable terrible date with aircraft engineer Callum, who people have suggested she pairs up with as they are “both clever.”
Prediction: Stays until the final and then mercifully ousts Brian Cox out of a job.
TOMMY
Rated for referring to dick size in his first appearance on camera. Not fucking about, much respect.
Prediction: Probably going to do that Adam Collard thing of coupling up with three separate women over a two week period and then getting evicted because of it.
ANNA
Anna to me seems like the sort of person who tells you that you look “amazing babe” when you’ve got mascara round your mouth from crying in a nightclub bathroom, or your high-glam work colleague who tags her location as Sheesh Chigwell every weekend. By this I mean: I love her.
Prediction: Ends up getting chosen to leave too early but becomes a multi-millionaire within two years by starting a lucrative lip filler business.
MICHAEL
You can’t call yourself a hero, mate. I’m sorry!! I don’t care how many cats up trees you’ve saved!!
Prediction: Injured in a hubristic gym area accident in the second week.
THESE THREE ABSOLUTE CHANCERS
Buried deep under the Love Island villa, I firmly believe, is a stone tablet. The tablet is an eternal and ancient bedrock for covert blowjobs and men called “Joe” or “Charlie” spelling out “I LOVE U” in beans to woo models they’ve known for ~4 weeks. The tablet is holy.
On this tablet, I feel in my soul that the following is inscribed:
Any series of Love Island cannot air without the participation of at least two lads who seem like they spend their free time asking women in the gym to “just holla” if they want a hand using the weights machines. Amen.
This year, producers have yet again heeded the fearsome stone tablet, delivering the almost indistinguishable Anton, Callum and Curtis into our hot, waiting laps. The only one I have real opinions about so far is ballroom dancer Curtis (whose older brother is AJ Pritchard from Strictly), who seems like a milk-drinker, and also a cryer.
Prediction: Anton will couple up with Amy and get to the final, Callum will do well as a comic presence for maybe just over a month because he’s got an accent, Curtis will cry for the whole first day and have to be collected by his parents.
SO, WHO’S GOING TO WIN?
Early doors but based on a complex formula of traditional hotness x likeability + (personality – a bit of personality because the public finds too much threatening), I’m going to call it for Amber and sandwich man Joe. The oracle has spoken.
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