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Horse & Groom, 28 Curtain RoadThis may just be the most reprehensible thing I've ever written about for Have a Shitty Weekend. It’s something that is so rotten at its core that they’ll have to have a light trap on the door to kill all the flies buzzing around it. Decks And The City is the brainchild of a guy called Ali Miraj, who is a DJ and – get this – banker. That’s right folks, Decks And The City is the chance for all you bankers, investors, city traders and other assorted scumbags to revel in the enjoyment of your own wealth/house music. Naturally, the idea alone of a bunch of City workers congregating to showcase their taste in music is enough to make you give yourself a lava face mask, but where Decks And The City really comes into its own is on its Facebook page.The event page on Facebook has evolved from the humble e-vite. Used to be you got a little personalised pixel card saying "Come 2 my thing 4 banter!" and a little party popper gif would play on loop – the fun times never ending. Now, it’s a cold blue and white slab for people to click, drone-like, on the "attending" or "not attending" buttons and post shit-eating little messages on the "wall". It also gives whoever organised the party the perfect opportunity to embarrass themselves. I’m not sure who wrote the recap of the inaugural Decks And The City (this being number two), but it reads like the diary of a young Patrick Bateman. It lists the times the DJs played, and what they spun. Mr Chris Jackson Jones, "a City trader with a penchant for dance music production", played some bangers, but in a total curveball move, he was "accompanied by rhythmic bongo and cowbell tapping from Market Risk Manager, Marc Helder, who was joined by his brother, former Arsenal footballer Glenn Helder, who came in especially from Amsterdam to play an unforgettable drum set."
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Theatr Hafren, Newtown, WalesCorr, this guy still going? Jethro is – like Roy Chubby Brown and, to a slightly lesser extent, Billy Connolly – not really a human being at all, more of a face you kind of see on the cover of VHS boxes growing up. The big, stark "18" age rating would prove mysterious to you, especially given that, to a young child, Jethro looks like a pretty innocuous farmer. This made you want to desperately plunder the contents to see just what it was that you weren’t allowed to see, and what secrets this black tape held.
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Olympia, LondonThis is listed in Time Out’s "things to do on Mother's Day" section. Nothing says, "Thanks for letting me spew all over you, ruin your life and wipe my arse," than showing the woman who gave you your life some pleasures that she will simply never be able to enjoy. Show her you love her by forcing her to talk to tanned property developers and grinning agents, and watch her slowly crumble into a state of menopause-induced envy over Amanda Lamb. After that, why not take her for tapas, to "give her a taste of the sun" via an ordering system that she doesn't understand and makes her feel old, while her stare pours sadly into the oaken ridges of the table.Christ, you’re a horrible shithouse, you know that? Have a shitty weekend.@joe_bish