How to Take Your Attempted Rapist to Court and Win

As more attention and resources are being focused on sexual assault, there is a pervasive feeling that when women—particularly college-aged women—take their attackers to court, they will be re-traumatized and let down by the justice system. Fear of cross-examination and acquittal often keep women from pressing charges against their attackers (or from even filing a police report). Yet, there are stories of triumph, where the police are decent and the jury gets it right. For Lydia, an 18-year-old punk rocker in a small town, the consequences of going against her attacker meant taking on a popular man in the music scene. Despite having her character and motivations questioned in court, Lydia was able to find justice.

BROADLY: How old were you when you were attacked, and where were you living?
LYDIA: I was living in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania and I was 18-years old. I was living with two female roommates. One of them was a girl named Stacy—she is my arch-nemesis now. She was a skinhead girl. She was friends with the guy who tried to rape me.

Who was the guy?
So we were all part of this punk rock scene in Pennsylvania, and there was this guy, Walter, who was kind of like the godfather of the punk and hardcore scene there, and he would book shows. And when bands would pass through town, they would stay at his house. He lived down the street from me. And he was good friends with all of my friends and I would say that he was an acquaintance of mine. We had each other’s phone numbers.

What happened the night of the assault?
One night, I told him that I hadn’t been feeling well, and I planned to take NyQuil and go to bed. And I did. A few hours later, he broke into my apartment and he came into my bedroom as I was sleeping. I woke up under the blanket. He had his hands on me. And he was trying to reach under my clothing, stick his hand under my shirt. I think I was just wearing a t-shirt and underwear. He was trying to stick his hand in my underwear. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on because I was in kind of a NyQuil haze at that point. And then I immediately pulled the blanket around myself really tightly so that he couldn’t get his hand in any further and he was kind of, like, trying to rip the blanket off of me. And that was when I started fighting.

Lydia

How did you know it was him?
The room was dark, the lights were out, but the blinds were cracked, and I could see who he was in the dark. He was really, really drunk and he was a big beer drinker, and I could smell the beer on him. And I could hear him kind of grumbling. Like, he was slurring but it was really unintelligible. So I knew his voice.

Where were your roommates?
Both of them were asleep at that point.

Did you scream?
I wasn’t yelling or anything, other than saying, ‘Get the fuck off me.’ And I was saying no, but I wasn’t screaming and trying to wake up the whole house. In retrospect, I don’t really know why I didn’t.

So then what happened?
It felt like it went on forever, [I’m] kicking at him and he grabs my ankle; he’s trying to pull me back down. Then I slipped out of the room. The whole house was dark at this point. And I think I hid behind a door at first, and there was a big comforter on the couch and I actually crawled underneath that comforter. And he staggered around the house. He was so wasted. He didn’t know where I was. He didn’t think to turn a light on. He went in the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator, he was just knocking shit down. Eventually, he just left.

Did you call the police?
I called my best friend, and I was really upset and shaken up. And she told me either we call the cops right now or I’m going to drive to his house and I’m going to pull a gun on him. She came over, we called the cops, and the cops were there right away. I told them my story and they went to his house and arrested him and he was in custody right away. And he denied having done it, which was disgusting.

When the detectives came to take your police report, what did you have to do?
I have to say, the cops were amazing. The detective was really supportive and believed me and I didn’t feel any pushback or doubt from the cops or the court. He wrote it all out, he took down everything. He was really good about not making me repeat myself a million times. He just wanted to hear the story. Both the detectives, two males, were both sitting there. And he was really empathetic and really sensitive. My best friend was there, and she was kind of a guard dog. I’d never had anything like that happen to me before. So it was really shocking, you know.

There’s a lot of opportunity to use a woman’s sexuality against her. You can’t be apologetic for who you are and for being someone that enjoys sex and chasing your own pleasure.

Did you ever question whether you should press charges?
I did. It took me a little bit to really take in the gravity of it, just as I had not wanted to yell when it was happening. I don’t know. I’m a big processor, so it takes me some time to accept what’s happening. And I didn’t really have any time to reflect and I was relying pretty heavily on my best friend to steer me in the right direction. Because I was just kind of in shock by what had happened.

What was the atmosphere in the apartment?
I moved out the following week. But I heard horrible things about me: People who were more trustworthy were telling me there were photos of me with the word “slut” written on them. They were just shaming me, slut-shaming me. Someone that I had never dated or had any kind of sexual contact with [was doing it].

After a week or so I decided to press charges with the District Attorney’s office.

What did the district attorney and what did they tell you about going to court?
They told me that [the proceedings] would probably drag it out for a long time, which they did. I think it went on for almost a year, actually.

Between the assault and you testifying was a year?
Yes. During the time I was waiting to go to trial, my best friend died. Which was fucking—it was horrible. She died in a car accident. I was grieving and processing that, I was totally fucking alone, and it was horrible.

Did you tell your family?
I eventually told my dad. I remember telling him the story. I was sitting in the car with him, and he just sat there. And I was like, ‘Fuck, you should be hugging me. This is your job as a father, to comfort me.’ And I was like, ‘Why are you not holding my hand when I’m telling you this?’ And because they are so old-school and detached, I really didn’t want them there throughout the trial. And I went every day that I had to go. I went by myself. I didn’t take anyone with me. And it was me versus twelve people [the defense witnesses] who were calling me a slut and a whore.

Before trial, did Walter ever try to contact you?
I actually got a phone call from one of his friends before I moved out of our apartment. Like a week or two later and they said, ‘Walter really wants to apologize to you. He would like to send you flowers. And he even said if you want to come over and punch him in the face, you’re welcome to.’ And I was, like, so disgusted by that because he admitted guilt to me but then in court, he pled not guilty.

Walter really wants to apologize to you. He would like to send you flowers. And he even said if you want to come over and punch him in the face, you’re welcome to.

Who testified on your behalf?
The detectives.

And then you got put on the stand. What was that like?
Humiliating. They dug up as much dirt on me as they could about my sexual history and alluded to me being promiscuous. Which I was. And the funny thing was, I hadn’t experimented with drugs or alcohol at that point. I was a pretty straightedge kid. And they tried really hard in the beginning to push that agenda that maybe I was so fucked up. And it was funny because no one could agree with that.

Can you remember some of the questions that they asked you?
They asked me if I’d ever flirted with him. What was I wearing when I was sleeping. How long he and I had known each other, what was our relationship like—had I done anything to suggest I might be sexually interested in him? There was the implication that I was a liar, that I was a promiscuous teenager.

So they were saying that you were just making this up?
Yeah. That I had been flirting with him and sexual toward him and that I must have invited him over, and it must have been a “girl crying wolf” situation.

When you were on the stand, what did that feel like?
I was very defensive. I was super agitated and I was trying not to show that. I was angry. I was angry that I had to defend my reputation and that my reputation as a teenage girl even mattered in a situation like that. It was so offensive. I had always identified as a feminist and I was a teenage riot grrl and this was just—it just seemed so cliché to me. What was I wearing in my apartment when I was sick in bed? Really? It matters that I was wearing a t-shirt and underwear in the dark in my own house? [Laughs]

Who did they put up in his defense?
About twelve people. We all used to live in this punk rock house together. A group of punk rock kids and skinheads. And my roommate—the nemesis— testified and described the revolving door of lovers that I had and just totally assassinated my character on the stand.

What did she say about him?
She said great things about him. That he was well-respected and liked and trustworthy and he would never do anything like that. That he had been nothing but kind and generous to her.

Do you remember roughly what was said for closing statements? What the defense’s ultimate argument was?
That it was my word against his.

How long did the jury deliberate?
Not very long. They were with me. They were really supportive, and they were with me. And I don’t feel like there was any question of my integrity and my honesty. They found him guilty of breaking and entering and attempted sexual assault.

Do you remember what his sentence was?
I want to say he did about four to six months. It wasn’t very long, but I love that he had to register as sex offender.

For other girls who are faced with murkier situations—where maybe they did invite a guy over but then did withdraw consent or things that are a little less clear-cut—what advice would you give them?
I think particularly with drugs and alcohol, people will use that to invalidate you. And there’s a lot of opportunity to use a woman’s sexuality against her. You can’t be apologetic for who you are and for being someone that enjoys sex and chasing your own pleasure. I didn’t deny that about myself at any point and I think if I had, if I tried to reinvent myself as a chaste young woman, I think that would’ve worked against me. But I was pretty straight up about having had a lot of boyfriends. And it felt like they respected me for my honesty.

If a girl finds herself in a situation where she doesn’t know if she should press charges how would you counsel her? Would you tell her to press charges?
I would. People need to be held accountable, especially for sexual violence against women.

Even if their character might be questioned and even if there’s trauma that might come with it?
I believe that, either way, you will be sexualized as a woman. No matter what your role is in any kind of assault. And it’s going to happen with or without your consent in court. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to other women to speak out and find justice. It’s there.