Dear Straight Guys, It’s Time to Start Putting Things In Your Butt

Everyone loves orgasms, right? If we didn’t, we wouldn’t go to ridiculous lengths to achieve them like pirating porn alone or going through the exhausting process of romancing a special someone just so we can have one in the company of another human.

Well, what if I told all of you straight guys out there that there is a secret orgasm that you don’t even know about, and it’s much better than relieving yourself into a wad of Kleenex while your computer burns your bare thighs? This is an orgasm so good that it will make your whole body shake, every inch of your skin tingle, and your voice erupt with spontaneous screams like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. There’s only one catch: To achieve this orgasm, you have to put things up your butt.

Yes, it’s true. This kind of orgasm—which lasts longer and is far more intense than a penile one—only comes from massaging the prostate. The most efficient way to get there, as anyone over the age of 35 knows from going to the doctor, is through your poop chute. The prostate is a small, walnut-sized organ between the end of the penis (the part that’s inside your body, not the end of your exterior shaft) and the bladder. When a guy blows his load, a big part of that load is fluid from the prostate to help the sperm swim toward an egg, though in most cases it just lies on your stomach and turns into a sticky mess.

The best way to find your prostate is to stick a finger up your butthole. Short fingernails, clean hands, and some lube are essential. Once you’re inside, try to touch the underside of your belly button, and you should feel something like a golf ball. That’s it. You’re gonna want to diddle that P-spot just like you would a nice wet clit, and you’ll really start to feel something amazing. If you’re playing with yourself at the same time, you might cum before achieving the full prostate orgasm; however, it will probably be a better orgasm than usual. If you want the full experience, try giving your shaft the day off and see what you can do without it.

Also—and this sounds kind of like something from a new age self-help book—you want to focus on the feeling inside of you. Too many people get caught up thinking about the butthole or the fingers. Don’t spend all your attention there; you want to find the ticklish parts in the deep inner reaches of your body (and maybe your soul).

I know you have two big worries right now: poop and gay stuff.

Fingers are of course just God’s butt plugs, and there are all sorts of other things you can stick up your ass that will make it feel amazing. (However food and other household items will end up giving you the worst ER visit of your life, so stick to things that are meant to be put up there.) Butt plugs are the obvious choice, but use something skinny to start with. The folks at the Sweethome did a ton of research about which anal sex toys are the best, and I fully recommend their picks, especially for beginners.

There is one line of toys by Aneros meant specifically to get at just the right spot. They’re a little pricey and take a bit to figure out how to use, but practice makes perfect, and once you get over the idea of putting something in your butt, you won’t mind the practice.

The other great thing about butt plugs is you can pop one in when laying some pipe in a nice lady and double your pleasure. And if you really want to get into some group butt play, getting a lady to strap one on for a pegging session might be just what you need. It worked on Broad City. Just make sure her pleasure is as taken care of as your own. Even when receiving, you still need to give.

I know you have two big worries right now: poop and gay stuff. Poop shouldn’t be a problem so long as you have a healthy diet and you don’t have a big loaf of ass ham ready to come out of the oven. If putting your fingers up there really grosses you out, wrap your digits in a condom or use a rubber glove, but as long as you don’t subsist on a diet of Taco Bell and Fritos, you’re probably fine. If you’re super, super grossed out, give yourself an enema and wash it out down there. Otherwise just cleaning the surface in the shower should suffice.

As for gay stuff, there is nothing about taking it up the butt that makes you gay. Prostate stimulation is just one awesome thing gay dudes figured out way before straight people, like boxer briefs and brunch. You’re down with both of those, right? None of the toys recommended above look like dicks anyway, so if someone stumbles upon one next to your bed they won’t even know it’s been in your butt. You play with yourself anyway, so what’s the big deal about going in through the back door?

Look, let’s be honest, this is all about opening up a whole new world of pleasure and cumming your face off. If there’s something gay about that, then download the full season of RuPaul’s Drag Race and just go with it.

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