Hello, and welcome to the year 2018. A few things you should know off the bat: The Earth is dying because we made it so dirty, cars are driving themselves now, and pretty much everyone owns a tiny computer phone that knows everything and is also a television, which we keep in our pockets. And ah, yes—here is our president, former reality TV star Donald Trump, meeting with Kim Kardashian, current reality TV star, in the Oval Office of the White House.
As you are no doubt well aware, for a long time, most presidents had experience in either politics or the military (sometimes both). But those days are behind us. Instead of, say, working his way through the ranks of Congress, President Trump won the presidency by becoming extremely rich, starring in a TV show about how rich he was, then hitting the campaign trail, where he rose to prominence by saying terrible things about immigrants, women, the disabled—you name it. Now he’s the leader of the free world.
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Kim Kardashian is also famous for being extremely rich and starring in a show about her life alongside her family, some of whom have their own kids now and are equally famous. She’s married to a famous man named Kanye West, who became very famous for making music everyone loves, but is now probably most famous for supporting our president who has said terrible things about immigrants, women, and the disabled.
Anyway, instead of sitting down with the president to discuss their shared history in reality TV, Kim Kardashian paid him a visit to talk about prison reform. You see, now our prison system is broken, and America is home to more than 20 percent of the world’s prison population. Sometimes our criminal justice system punishes people like Alice Marie Johnson, a great-grandmother who has been jailed for 20 years on nonviolent drug charges, with a life sentence. Kim Kardashian saw a video about Johnson, possibly on the magic telephone in her pocket, and decided that wasn’t fair. So she’s asking the president—who is apparently friends with her very famous husband—to let Johnson out of prison.
No one knows for certain what the president might do, but he’s already pardoned a former sheriff named Joe Arpaio—who ran a horrible jail, and was accused of racially profiling and illegally detaining Latinos—and Dinesh D’Souza, a pundit known for defending Hitler, who was convicted for violating campaign finance laws.
Well, that should pretty much bring you up to speed. Again, welcome. Famous TV people basically run our country now. Enjoy your time here until Earth becomes unlivable, and we all have to move to Mars. Or our president somehow gets us all blown up.
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