Each year, Universal Studios Hollywood has a big Halloween event called Halloween Horror Nights. Part of this is a play called Bill and Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure.
The play is about Bill and Ted going on some kind of pantomime-y Halloween adventure. Along the way, lots of jokes are made about things that have happened in pop culture over the preceding year.
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I use the term “jokes” loosely here. As they are, generally, terrible, and follow the same formula: Pop cultural reference + pop cultural reference + a reference to sex = LOL!
For instance, there’s a scene where a Sharknado appears and Kim Jong-un comes on to the stage to explain that the Sharknado came into existence as a result of Kristen Stewart sucking his dick too hard. After he said this, the audience laughed. Unless I’m missing something, this is meant to be funny because:
1) It references Kristen Stewart
2) It references Kim Jong-un
3) It references sex
4) It references Sharknado
The plot of this year’s show is some shit about Bill and Ted getting sucked into the Land of Oz by a tornado (which, because it’s 2013, turns out to actually be “Cory Monteith’s ghost”) and having to kill four evil witches in order to get home.
At least I think that’s what the plot was, there were so many pop cultural references awkwardly wedged in that it was hard to tell. The full plot had something to do with The Harlem Shake, Paula Deen, North West, the Government shutdown, and Macklemore.
Anyway, Superman joins Bill and Ted on their witch-killing quest. Bill and Ted are pretty psyched about that because, y’know, he’s Superman and he’s really useful to have on your side in a battle against evil witches.
But then, uh oh, a witch accidentally sprinkles Superman with fairy dust, turning him gay.
Superman’s newfound sexuality is the catalyst for a pretty progressive and touching subplot about his struggle to come to terms with himself and be accepted by his family and the public. It draws several clever and poignant parallels between the difficulties homosexual men face in 2013 and the struggle Superman faces trying to lead a double life as Clark Kent and be accepted by those who know his truth.
Just kidding!
After becoming gay, Superman’s voice and posture changes. His lips purse, his toes point inward, and his wrists become limp. His new voice sounds like a homophobic uncle doing a drunken impression of Richard Simmons, complete with lisps and frequent use of the word “faaaaaaabulous!”
Bill and Ted, understandably, are bummed. Their initial excitement at having Superman with them on their quest turns to disappointment as, obviously, now that Superman is gay, he is not going to be of any use to them. “Who could possibly make a worse Superman?” asks Bill. “Ben Affleck?” responds Ted.
Superman also rips off his shirt. Because gay dudes hate shirts almost as much as they hate pussy (which is to say, A LOT).
Then, because Superman is now gay, he minces over to Bill and Ted, blows kisses at them, and slaps Ted on the ass. As he does this, Bill and Ted say “awwww dude!” with disgusted voices.
After a few more attempts at molesting Bill and Ted, Superman ends up aboard the Starship Enterprise, where he runs into Superman villain General Zod.
General Zod tells Superman to get on his knees. Because Superman is now gay, he assumes this is an invitation to give Zod oral sex. “Finally!” he squeals.
Also aboard the Starship Enterprise, the gang runs into George Takei. Because George Takei is gay too, he and Superman share an instant mutual attraction. “Who’s your friend?” asks George, in the same lisping, gay-minstrel voice that Superman uses.
Before Bill and/or Ted can answer, Superman interrupts by yelling “Hey daddy!” to George. (If you’re not homosexual, “Hey daddy!” is a mating call used by younger gays to initiate sex with older gays.)
George and Superman disappear to have sex. “Time to boldly go where no man has gone before!” says George, as they exit the stage.
This is the last we see of Superman in the play.
But don’t worry if you’re not gay. There’s plenty of other shit in there for you to be offended by. (Unless you’re a straight, white man. You guys get off pretty easy.)
For instance, if you’re Asian, the Kim Jong-un character is unable to pronounce certain words with HILARIOUS results. Like, there’s a part where he describes himself as the “supleme reader of the Munchkin Rand” (translation for non-racists: “supreme leader of the Munchkin Land”).
If you’re latino, there’s a killer zinger where Bill tells Ron Burgundy that the Munchkin Land is “a very colorful place filled with lots of unemployed people who barely speak English.”
“Sounds more like Van Nuys,” replies Ron.
If you’re black, there are fresh new jokes about how black people can’t swim and die first in horror movies. There’s also a Nicki Minaj character whose dialogue, I assume, was written by someone who has never met an actual black person before. She literally says things like “We the wicked witches from the East Siiiiiiiiiiide! Whatchu crackers doin in our lair?”
Also, if you’re one of those sensitive types who doesn’t like rape, there’s a part where Wreck-It Ralph comes and beats Nicki Minaj and Amanda Bynes into unconsciousness. He then picks Nicki up, throws her over his shoulder and starts to take her off stage. “Where are you taking Nicki Minaj?” asks Bill. Wreck-It Ralph gestures toward Nicki’s ass and says “I’m gonna wreck it.” Thus destroying any arguments you have about rape jokes not being funny.
The humor behind the idea of a gay Superman is so timeless and classic that Universal Studios has used it before. Above is a clip from the 2006 Bill and Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure show, in which a thong-wearing Superman ruins Bill and Ted’s efforts to fight Magneto because he’s more interested in ribbon dancing and shouting the word “rainbows!” Lol, classic gays.
More of Jamie’s excellent adventures:
I Went to Corey Feldman’s Birthday Party
An Open Letter to the Worst Wax Museum in America
Sex Offenders in Florida Now Have Warning Signs Outside Their Homes
