These are exciting times for sex toys. Through the wonders of technology, none of us need to settle for our ancestors’ mundane forms of masturbation—a cornucopia of dazzling carnal delights are here to help us bust a high-tech nut. Want to bang a terrifyingly realistic sex doll? No problem. Long for the sweet caress of an alien who will lay some eggs inside you? There’s a dildo for that. Dream of fucking an Oscar-nominated fish man? Please, say no more.
And now, there’s a fancy new fuck toy coming especially for all the masturbators out there who know that food is another integral piece of self-care. On Thursday, an adult entertainment company called CamSoda announced a new sex toy called the RubGrub, a vibrator attachment that can also order food for you.
Videos by VICE
According to CamSoda, the RubGrub will be a WiFi connected button like Amazon’s Dash Button that can fit on a vibrator and will automatically order a large Domino’s cheese pizza whenever it’s pressed—because who doesn’t want to follow their jerk off session with mass amounts of grease and cheese, right?
“Masturbation, while ultimately enjoyable, can be a strenuous physical activity during which an individual exerts a lot of energy and burns many calories. Inevitably, once someone has climaxed, they feel lethargic and hungry,” CamSoda’s vice president, Daryn Parker, said in a press release. “Now, in order to enjoy your Saturday night, all you need is your RubGrub device. Get off and get stuffed, all with the quick click of a button.” The future is here.
Unfortunately, the vibrator button will only be programmed to order Domino’s once it goes on sale this spring, so apologies to everyone out there trying to stick with Whole30. And the pizza chain doesn’t seem particularly stoked about being chosen for CamSoda’s nifty new invention, either.
“[The RubGrub] is news to us,” a spokesperson for the pizza company told FOX News this week. “We have not worked with this company, nor have we authorized them to use our name in conjunction with their ‘toy.’”
For its part, CamSoda promises that the RubGrub will soon be able to order other kinds of food, like “Mexican and Chinese,” so the day may finally come when we can order a post-coital Cheesy Gordita Crunch from the comfort of our beds. What a world!
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
