Noted sex-haver Elon Musk was in the news for allegedly having sex again. Musk tweeted that allegations of him having an affair with Google founder Sergey Brin’s wife were “total BS.” He went on to reply, “Haven’t even had sex in ages (sigh).”
Within minutes, simps lined up in the replies to help him out.
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Last week, the Wall Street Journal reported that Musk had an affair with Google co-founder Sergey Brin’s wife, leading to the end of the billionaires’ “long friendship.” This, combined with the recent news that he sired secret twins with an executive at his company Neuralink, is already way too much about Musk’s sex life for the mind’s eye. But being the main character of Twitter, he had to take it a step farther.
This very obvious thirst trap was perfectly set: enter a deluge of Musk fanatics throwing themselves at a union-busting billionaire’s extremely well-documented feet as volunteers to break his now-public dry spell.
Elon Musk’s fanboys and girls have long embodied the worst qualities of the larger online simp community: a devotion to tweeting at him like it’s a full-time job, blind loyalty to his companies, his foibles, and his antics, and insatiable, unexplainable horniness. It’s a spectacle that makes the most hardened internet denizen cringe and attempt to look away. Unfortunately, we cannot.
“I can help just for practice. It’s a good workout,” says @meta_rach. “I volunteer,” says @LaciMarieKnight, who has a bunch of Musk-related hashtags and a Musk quote in her bio.
“OMG, now you’re gonna have girls lining up outside your house and it going to be a looooong line,” @chick_check88 replied. Is it??
These troops get braver. “Bullshit bro. I’m happily married with an amazing wife; even she understands if I helped you out. She would even be proud of me. Even if I myself would feel like shit. Lol thats like hell for me but I would do it. Lol.,” replied @BanksyMaximo, someone with a bunch of meme stocks tagged in his profile. When Musk owns Twitter, maybe he’ll finally launch the feature that lets users delete other people’s tweets.
Others are sadder. “damn not even on the vacation? :(“ @lovemesomemusk wrote. Musk recently went on a rich people yacht trip to Greece, which everyone knows about because the serial bodyshamer was mocked online for looking like 16-bit Sonic villain Dr. Robotnik.
Musk has (at least) nine children (including one who disowned him, and one set of twins), so we know he’s had sex at least eight times. The youngest was born sometime in 2021, however, so we know it’s been at least two years. Then again, he has some weirdo views about birth rates, so maybe he’s anxious to get back to work.
Typically, Musk’s tweets only get him into deeper and deeper legal shit—including tanking Twitter’s value while fighting to seal (and then wiggle out of) a deal to buy the platform. But this time, maybe his chronic Poster’s Disease will get him laid, instead. And then maybe he’ll stop tweeting?
