Over the weekend, Snoop Dogg got extremely stoned (which is sort of his job) and took a trip to see Martha Stewart (also sort of his job) at her lush, sprawling estate in Katonah, New York. He toured her greenhouse—making an obligatory weed joke along the way—hung out with a donkey named Rufus, and took a pleasant stroll through some kind of meadow before heading out through the driveway, where he happened upon an unfamiliar sight.
There, on the ground, sat a strange, cylindrical object, studded with spikes. It wasn’t a twig, and though it looked about as big as a Snoop Dogg-sized blunt, it wasn’t that, either. So what on Earth, he wondered aloud, could it be?
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“I’m a naturistic motherfucker, look what I done picked up, man,” Snoop Dogg said, studying the specimen. “Somebody tell me what this is. A who? That’s a pine cone?”
Ah, yes. A pine cone! Like any biologist worth their salt, Snoop—or should we say Dr. Dogg—proceeded to examine his finding with great care, handling it gingerly in his fingertips, and twisting it in the light. But to truly plumb the depths of this curious piece of flora, to unlock the untold mysteries it might hold, would require further testing.
“I’m takin’ this motherfucker back to California with me,” he announced, before launching into a brief freestyle. “That’s goin’ back to Cali—strictly for the weather, women, and the weed, sticky green!”
Less than a day after making his groundbreaking discovery, Snoop managed to find some innovative, practical uses for it, thanks to a little help from his friend and fellow amateur dendrologist Big Sean.
With the spiky variety of plant life identified, its uses catalogued, and its safe passage back to California accounted for, Snoop Dogg’s expedition into the wilderness came to a close. You have to wonder why we don’t see Snoop exploring the great outdoors more often. He’s already proven that he makes for a skilled nature documentarian on Plizzanet Earth, and with this latest discovery, he demonstrated an unparalleled knack for finding something remarkable in what any other host might shrug off as mundane.
Point being: Watch out, David Attenborough. It looks like you might have some serious competition.
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