AUSTRALIA - PRINCE ALBERT REIGNS

The history of the Prince Albert piercing, the most well known and widely practised of genital mutilation techniques, is shrouded in myth. The most common explanation is that the most eligible bachelor in England at the time, Prince Albert, adorned a 'dressing ring' for the purpose of being able to tie his penis back to hide his trouser bulge and to keep his foreskin pulled back so that it was always sweet smelling for his cousin and later wife, Queen Victoria. Our regular contributor, Joey Spinoza, knew nothing about the history of the incestuous and perverted English monarchy but when he put his crown jewels on the line in a pub bet recently he got more than he bargained for.

Screen shot from a recent episode of Forget The Rules.

So why did you get a Prince Albert piercing?
Alcohol and my big mouth. I lost a bet in the pub on Thursday night. Friday lunchtime and I'm sitting in the local tattoo shop with my knob out. I was always shit at gambling. What was the bet?
I bet one of the other guys I was with that I could go home with the barmaid.

What went wrong?
She was a picky bitch that's what went wrong. She was fat too.

Are you Gay?
No fuck off. But you got your dick pierced and can't get girls?
I lost a bet! I didn't want to get it done! What does having your dick pierced have to do with being gay anyway?

A lot. You must of sort of wanted it, you must be a bit gay?
Shut up, I'm not gay.

What does BSDM stand for?
Erm… I know it's some sex thing… Bottom, Sodomy, Danger, Murder?

No. It stands for Bondage, submission, domination and masochism.
That's fucked up. More fucked up than 'Bottom, Sodomy, Danger, Murder'?
Yeah.

Have you had any other piercing's before?
Yeah I got my eyebrow pierced in Ibiza when I was about sixteen. It got ripped out when I got in a fight at a supermarket back home though.

How many fights have you been in?
I don't know. So tell us about the procedure, what happens?
First you call up your mates and tell them that your Gran died and you can't make it and it will have to wait till next week. Then they drive round and basically abduct you from your house and take you down the tattoo shop. The guy who did it was pretty cool though, ran me through what was going to happen.

You let a guy touch your dick?
Do you want the rest of this interview or not?

Ok sorry. So what did you let the guy do to your dick?
He disinfected the area and then he used a local anaesthetic. Some people don't but I wasn't about to say no. They basically use a cotton bud and squeeze open your urethra and jab it in and wiggle it about. At first that bit hurts and feels weird as hell and then it just goes numb and you can't feel a thing.

Did you watch the guy put the needle in?
Fuck no. I had my eyes scrunched up and was trying to get as far away as possible mentally from what was going on. That needle is about to go through right next to your banjo and out through your japs eye. Who would want to watch that? Did you manage to find your happy place?
Yeah I must have because I just remember the piercer saying 'Right your done mate' and I looked down and I had this lump of metal through my knob. Only a tiny bit of blood and that was it. What are the sexual benefits of having a Prince Albert?
I don't know. Like I said, I got it done because the fat bird in the pub wouldn't go home with me and not because I'm into that shit. It hurts when you first piss though. I guess some people might be into that? People are fucking weird.

How long after were you able to use your member to it's full potential?
That was honestly the worse part of it. For three whole days after getting it done I didn't get an erection. I thought I had killed it, hit some nerve or something. I sank into a depression. But eventually you got there?
Yeah. I was like 'fuck this' it's got to still work so I put a lot of effort in one night if you know what I mean. It's probably the happiest I've ever been.

Do you piss all over your pants when you go to the toilet?
At first I did yeah. It's not because the urine squirts through the hole but because it actually just sort of runs down the metal bar when your pissing and it goes everywhere. So you sit down to piss now?
Nah, I learnt this way of just sort of squeezing the metal against the hole and it comes out straight as an arrow. What do the girls think?
What girls. Any plans for anymore?
Nah I hate tattoos and piercings, I'll probably take this out in couple of weeks. Why didn't you want to send us a photo of your new Prince Albert piercing?
I don't want my dick being in a magazine.

Any words of advice for someone considering a Prince Albert?
Yeah. Don't do it. Spend the money on something cool you can show people like window tints for your car or something.

Because we couldn't get a photo of Joey's princely possession, we used a screen-grab from this episode of 'Forget the Rules'. This particular episode, is all about, well, Prince Alberts.