Out of all the tube-shaped things we love—sausages, irrigation pipes, pneumatic bank tubes—penis pumps take the cake. Whether you’re navigating sex with erectile dysfunction or eager to get that Bianchi bike pump roleplay underway, penis pumps can be one of the handiest bedroom accessories for giving Ol’ Righty a break on the way to Pound Town.
Generally speaking, there are three types of pumps on the menu: hand-powered, automatic, and the water-powered hydro pump (a potential favorite of James Cameron). Every pump in that triad serves the same purpose: to create a controlled vacuum chamber around your penis that elongates the shaft when pumped for five to 15 minutes. Hand-powered pumps tend to be very affordable, and hydro pumps, while a bit pricier, are usually very quiet. But it’s the high-tech, hands-free world of automatic pumps that is sweeping us off our gooch these days.
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Consider the bestselling automatic pump from Lynk, The Excelsior. Almost like an aquarium for your penis (shout out to the transparent viewing chamber), it’s equipped with a backlit LCD screen that features all of your vital pumping metrics, including KPa vacuum pressure, a timer, battery life, pump speed settings, and more. Basically, you can start doomscrolling your own penis (in the best way).
Coming in at a versatile nine inches, The Excelsior pump is designed to cater to a variety of penis sizes, and also includes two sleeves: one for pumping, and one for moonlighting the tube as a penis stroker. It is also endowed with a whisper-quiet motor, and a quick-release button so that you can free your dragon at the swish of a mage’s cape as choose between the powerful suction of manual mode, and the horny bootcamp experience of Smart Mode, which, as Lynk explains, “automatically increases and decreases the vacuum pressure for a maximum of 20 minutes [to] build your stamina and increase the blood flow into your penis.” As one pleased reviewer writes on Lynk’s site, where the pump is already racking up five-star reviews, “This thing made my dick harder than woodpecker lips,” which is all you can really ever hope for in life.
We sure have come a long way from the hand car-esque penis pumps of yore, jabroni. Here’s to a horny, hard, hands-free summer.
Purchase The Excelsior at Lynk.
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