The Music Festival Packages You Wish Existed

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Writing a Think Piece About Millennials Package

Includes a tape recorder and guaranteed reporting access to the four worst people at the festival, who will be getting around on hoverboard skateboards and talking about a new form of vaping where you freeze vape juice and put it in iced coffee.

“I’m Only 28, I’m Not Too Old for This” Package

For a discounted price, you can show up late, leave early, and watch each band from a hill that’s very far away from the stage. This package technically includes access to every day of the festival, but it’s understood that you’ll feel overwhelmed on Friday and skip Saturday in order to mentally prepare for Sunday.

Kardashian Package

This includes total access to air-conditioned, culturally appropriative VIP tents where you can instagram endlessly. Doesn’t include access to actual concerts. (Note: We know that the Kardashians are business moguls and that blanket criticism of them is often veiled sexism. We have a lot of respect for them, and that’s why we’re offering this package.) (Also note: This package is only available to people who have appeared on Kylie’s Instagram.)

“I’m Very into Indie Music” Package

When talking about your plans to attend, did you ever say the words, “I’m very into indie music”? Then you owe an extra $500, sorry.

We Got Married at a Weirdly Young Age Package

You and your young husband are very much in love. It’s not like you’re super religious; you just knew you wanted to be together for the rest of your lives. You’re totally normal young people, and you like young people fun things just like other young people. See, you’re at a music festival!!

Extra Wristbands Package

This general admission package includes extra wristbands that don’t come with any perks but allow you to have a bunch of ratty old wristbands on your wrist for the summer.

Micro Festival Package

This ticket allows you to see one band, performing indoors at a traditional “theater” located at a separate location outside the festival. We’ll even throw in a random band you’ve never heard of to “open.”

“I Have Agency” Package

You just graduated from college. You have no idea what to do with your life, or how to even get started. Why are apartments so expensive??? This package includes subtle guidance for organizing a road trip to a music festival, which is just hard enough that it makes you feel like you have control over your life.

Mud Package

Includes unlimited access to mud, in case you’re mainly in it for the mud.

Father John Misty Package

Are you coming to this music festival because you are Father John Misty? This is the ticket package for you.

Extremely Pale Package

Includes a polite man who will follow you around all day and remind you to reapply sunscreen every two hours.

Selfie Package

General admission plus selfie with a man who looks like (but isn’t) Francis from Francis and the Lights.

VIP Selfie Package

Above plus selfie with the keyboardist from Whitney.

Super VIP Selfie Package

Above plus cameo appearance in the back of DJ Khaled’s Snapchat story.

“I’m Pretty Sure I’m Gonna Go This Year” Package

Doesn’t include access to the festival but allows you to constantly talk about how you’re definitely gonna go this year because you LOVE Old Crow Medicine Show and it’s playing (it’s not).