Since music’s conception, there’s been an unrelenting desire from songwriters to feast on a bacchanalian fuck-fest worth of songs that are secretly about sex. Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti” is about anal, Mariah Carey emerged from a birthing pool of ejaculate to sing about how great it feels “when your love comes over me”, and the Beatles famously confessed to having a “Ticket to Ride”. Sex sells.
This Saturday you’re going to see a lot of love-making, sexy song playlists that aim to “spice up the mood this Valentines Day”. You don’t even need to read them because you can guess the content: Marvin Gaye, Barry White, anything that fits in the soundtrack to the immaculate, honeymoon conception of your birth as told by the commissioning editor at Cosmopolitan. No one needs that shit – especially when the only chance of love this weekend is pulling a damp one after collapsing into a Just-Eat coma on the sofa.
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Instead, what you want is a playlist of songs that are undoubtedly about the art of fucking. The sort of thing that’s so obvious, it’ll either act as inspiration for your solo round of duck duck goose or turn you off so quickly you’ll never want to think about the objectionably vulgar act of sexual cohabitation ever again.
This playlist includes no rock music, obviously, because that shit makes the chassis of sexual desire drier and softer than californication with a whoopee cushion in Death Valley. Instead, what you’ve got are a bunch of single-entendre rap songs that are undoubtedly, unequivocally about boning. Happy Valentines Day.
1 – LL Cool J – “Doin’ It”
According to his moniker, Ladies Love Cool James. According to this song, he “doesn’t play to conventional methods to making love” – which is the sort of thing you imagine would appear in the bio of some Tinder-sourced lothario who finishes in two-minutes and leaves disappointment on your stomach.
2 – Ciara – “Body Party”
This is the equivalent of a subtle text message with no dick-pics or blunt description, but more than enough to work with if you’ve got an imagination and a passion for double-entendres. Unlike men, Ciara understands desire is anticipation.
3 – Snoop Dogg – “Sexual Eruption”
What sort of eruption is Snoop Dogg on about? Oh – that’s right. The jettison of 250,000,000 pre-humans from the pinprick of his bald-headed yogurt slinger.
4 – Kanye West – “I’m in It”
I wonder if Kanye’s ever used the rarely found McDonalds sweet-and-sour sauce as lubricant.
5, 6, 7, 8, 9 – Akon – “I Wanna Fuck You”, “I Just Had Sex”, “She Wants Sex”, “Sexy Sexy”, “Smack That”
Akon – who was born Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Bongo Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam – is the sort of man who gets straight to the point.
10 – Akinyele – “Put it in your Mouth”
Use your imagination and this song’s chorus can be about anything: lollipops, an extremely delicious slice of cheesecake, false teeth. But it’s not – it’s about oral sex, and thankfully it considers the pleasure of the female, rather than yet another song about a dude getting domed.
11 – Brooke Candy – “I Wanna Fuck Right Now”
Excusing the lyrical content of literally every song on this list, Brooke Candy’s “I Wanna Fuck Right Now” is the WOAT.
12 – Rihanna – “S&M”
“Sex in the air, I don’t care I love the smell of it,” says Rihanna – clearly a woman who’s never given head to a low paid office worker who lives off tinned tuna and Rustlers microwaveable burgers.
13 – Jeremih – “Birthday Sex”
Shout out to anyone out there, it’s my birthday on Valentines. Follow on Twitter.
14 – Kelis – “Milkshake”
At one point, most millennials genuinely believed this was an innocent song about Kelis’ offering her award-winning milkshake recipe to the masses for an opt-in fee.
15 – Three Six Mafia – “Slob on my Knob”
Eurgh.
16 – Shawna – “Gettin’ Some Head”
Eurgh.
17 – Cam’ron – “Suck it or Not”
Eurgh.
18 – NWA – “She Swallowed It”
This one goes out to all the baes that now regret eating their lover.
19 – Eazy E – “I’d Rather Fuck You”
This song doesn’t make much sense but, I think, Eazy E is attempting to convince the listener he’s so booked up with honey-dipping appointments that it’s become a concerning problem.
20 – Mobb Deep – “Hit it from the Back”
The good thing about Mobb Deep is they practice safe-sex. Example line: “I used to hit raw Daddy, but now I carry packs of three”.
21- 23 – 2 Live Crew – “We Want Some Pussy”, “Me so Horny”, “Face Down Ass Up”
Want to make sure you’re never having sex again? Try 2 Live Crew; The Underground Resistance of 90s hardcore porn.
24 – The Weeknd – “Or Nah”
You know The Weeknd loves eating pussy – he talks about it a lot. It’s just a shame you get the sense he’s the type of guy that’ll only get down on his knees with the contractual promise of reciprocation.
25 – 27 – Missy Elliott – “Work it”, “One Minute Man”, “Bet it Taste Like Candy”
Missy Elliott is 200% the King, Queen, and Super-Human of writing songs about sex.
28 – Colour Me Bad – “I Wanna Sex You Up”
This used to be sexy till Jimmy Fallon made us all soft.
29 – Dr Dre – “I Just Wanna Fuck You”
Like Eazy E, this song is hella confusing. It starts with a comforting, heart-tugging phone call from a woman, telling Dre she loves him. Then the song starts and Dre announces he “just wants to fuck bad-bitches”. What is it about rappers that makes them intolerant to the love of a good woman?
30 – UGK – “Take It Off”
NGL. Sonically, this song is great TBH.
31 – Plies – “Ms Pretty Pussy”, “Get You Wet”, “Shawty”
When your name sounds like pliers, it’s not really a good idea to continually rap about pussy. Because not only is that a complete turn-off, metal-fused DIY tools are probably one of the least attractive things in existence.
32 – Trina – “Phone Sex”
“5’2, 125 pounds, 34, 26, 36, beautiful light gray eyes, long black curly hair” goes the opening lines of Trina’s telecommunications bang jam, making her sound like a boxing ring announcer who’s decided to chirpse on with the fighters. Sex, after all, is a lot like boxing: the stripping down, the sweating profusely, the frantic embraces, the ear nibbling, erm, the ropes, the gloves, the hundreds of screaming onlookers.
33 – Lil Boosie – “Gimme that Pussy”
You can imagine Lil Boosie’s disappointment when he realised a pussy was not a detachable object that could be handed to him whenever he demanded it like a spoilt kid screaming at their shit parents. What “Gimme That Pussy” lacks in romance though, it makes up for in threats, anger and repetition.
34 – The Notorious B.I.G – “Fucking You Tonight”
Another one to throw in the overflowing bargain bucket of man-demands-sex-from-woman-without-consultation rap songs? Nah, look into the lyrics and you find a caring Biggie Smalls who just wants a lovely night in. Yes, I usually wine you and dine you, yes we usually toast Cristal in swanky bars, but tonight, darling, I’d just like to make love to you without all the costly garnishes of the chase. That is the tender meaning of “Fucking You Tonight”.
35 – Mystikal – “Shake Ya Ass”
There is nothing more sexually aggressive than a song that opens with the line “I came here with my dick in my hand”, and if you can still enjoy it without being reminded of pre-teen Nicholas Hoult rocking a deeply upsetting bowl-cut then power to you.
36 – 39 – Ludacris – “Splash Waterfalls”, “What’s Your Fantasy?”, “Sex Room”, “P Poppin’”
When songs rhyme “doggy” with “froggy” and “dick-tionary” with “missionary”, you know they are for one night stands rather than 20th wedding anniversaries.
40 – Big Sean – “MILF”
I bet when they scripted American Pie and coined the term MILF, they didn’t expect an upper-echelon struggle rapper to jump on board ten years later but fuck it, here we are. I guess the legacy of Harold and Kumar lives on beyond fifteen year-old boys search histories.
41 – Craig David – “Fill Me In”
“Fill me in” arguably the one line in this song that isn’t about a sexual act. Arguably, Craig. Arguably.
42 – Big Daddy Kane – “I Get the Job Done”
Men of the world, tend to your lovers, because if you don’t, Big Daddy will happily ruin your relationship. With his penis.
43 – A Tribe Called Quest – “Hot Sex”
There’s loads of people out there having cold sex, like inuits, Scandinavian doggers and married couples, but unless you want your nipples to feel like marbles and your junk to look like a baby field mouse then we recommend keeping all parties hot.
44 – Ol’ Dirty Bastard – “Shimmy Shimmy Ya”
“Oh baby, I like it rawwwww!”
45 – Beyonce – “Drunk in Love”
“Boy, I’m drinking, I’m singing on the mic til my voice hoarse. Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard.” Basically 50 shades of Bey.
46 – Lil Kim – “How Many Licks?”
About fifteen should do it.
47 – Rich Gang – “Tell ‘Em”
“I’mma pull up, eat on that pussy, and dip” embodies everything about worldstarhiphop, which is where the song premiered. It reminds me of the drive-thru.
48 – 50 Cent – “Candy Shop”
The art of getting lucid sex songs into the daytime mainstream is to heavily utilise your metaphors, and 50 Cent nails that by allegorically turning a screw session into a place where kids hang out. Which is not weird at all.
49 – Lady – “Pussy be Yankin’“
This track from Lady is the perfect role reversal, featuring lyrics like “can’t even lie, I fuck better when I’m drankin, ride dick like a pro, throw the pussy like I’m famous.”
50 – Fly Young Red – “Throw That Boy Pussy“
Like Lady, Fly Young Red’s track is one of the most progressive on the list – it’s explicitly and 100% about boys fucking other boys.
51 – 68 – Lil Wayne – “Pop that Pussy”, “Pussy Monster”, “Miss that Pussy”, “Pussy Money Weed”, “Pussy MVP”, “Lollipop”, “I Feel Like Fuckin’ Something”, “Time For us to Fuck”, “Grindin’”, “Feel Me”, “Feelin’ Myself”, “Fetish”, “Fingers Hurtin’”, “Sex Faces”, “Sex in the Lounge”, “Give Head”, “Gonorrhea”
Lil Wayne is responsible for more babies than alcohol.
69 – D’Angelo “Untitled”
Praise emoji.
If you want you can listen to the tracks in the playlist below. Have nice life’s!
You can find Ryan Bassil on Twitter: @RyanBassil
