The world of Hunk-Rap has been shaken to it’s very core today, with the news that Chris “Breezy” Brown (as himself, Tim Westwood and nobody else calls him), “Drizzy” Drake and Meek Mill (Not sure an “eezy” name works for him, “Meek Milly” sounds like a Cabbage Patch Doll) all had a bit of a tear up last night. According to Hot 97 (which is Reuters for this kinda shit), Drake and recent recording partner Meek Mill rocked up into NYC’s Club Whip, presumably looking for a swift half and a quick go on the Deal Or No Deal quiz machine. But low and behold, rapper, dancer and “world’s most positive man” Chris Brown was in there. Details are sketchy, all we really know is that “bottles were thrown”, and being rappers it’s safe to assume they weren’t discarded Becks’ found in a bin. And of course, Rihanna, the Lil Kim-esque femme fatale of modern Hip Hop (Backpackers, feel free to dispute this in the comments) was involved. And according to Hot 97, everything is “effed up now”, which suggests that it ended up in a bit of a free for all. Until the CCTV footage gets leaked we don’t really know how the fight would’ve gone, but luckily with my Tekken 3 based fighting experience, I have enough combative expertise to speculate who would have thrown down the best.
The question is, Drake, Chris or Meek? WHO YA GOT?
Videos by VICE
Drake
Alright, his musical output doesn’t really suggest a man who’s spent much time in the MMA Octagon, but I think Drake is tougher than the second half of Take Care suggests. First of all, as anyone who’s ever walked around the Reading campsite on a Sunday will tell you, Emo’s can be tougher than they look. All that emotional repression and heartbreak has to go somewhere, and more often than not it manifests itself in violence. And there’s nobody who’s more dangerous in a fight than a man on the edge. Drake looks like he might just switch on you, I mean, he’d cry whilst doing it, but he’d switch on you alright. It’d be all slaps and spits and yelps, but faced with that kind of pugnacious lunacy, even Kimbo Slice would play dead.
Chris Brown
No doubt Breezy is the worst kind of fighter, the guy who thinks he’s Bruce Lee, but is actually a little bit more Bruce Hornsby. He’d probably stand about slapping his thighs saying “motherfucker what!” and “I got you baby!” for half an hour before anything happened. Pretending to walk off and then coming back again. He’d take off his shirt, put it back on and then take it off again. It would be a tedious routine of posturing designed to make him look up for it, but when the shit hits the fan, he’d get battered. All woman beaters are like that, all mouth and no balls. Either that or his most positive man in the act is more than just a PR rouse and he really has had a road to damascus couple of years. If that is the case, he’d probably go in for some hugging action, shouting “It’s ok, they no not what they do, baby” whilst the Maybach goons stomp him.
Meek Mill
The least well known of the trio, Meek Mill might not be on the mainstream gossip radar yet, but this could be the event that takes him from WorldStarHipHop to world stardom. Meek’s a 25 year old MC from Philly, signed to Rozay’s label, and his biggest hit is the senior management anthem “Imma Boss”. But sadly, he’s already gotten himself involved with this kind of long standing silliness. It’s like when the new kid gets involved in bullying in his first week at school. But how would he do in a fight? Well, on paper he’d be the prime contender. He’s from Philly, he’s got sleeve tats and at one one point he had dreads, only the rawest MC’s have dreads (apart from the white ones). No doubt this is his chance to make a name for himself, like when The Game (allegedly, very big ALLEGEDLY) shot Suge Knight. And yeah, if you wanna get the wider public on your side, bottling Chris Brown is a good way of going about it. He looks tough to me.
Who’s my money on?
Despite Meek’s tough exterior, I’m afarid i’m going to have to go with Drake. I know he’s not the toughest on paper, or even in flesh but hell hath no fury like a miserable bastard scorned. The only way to stop him is to aim for his heart (emotionally).
