*DOES JUMPING IN THE AIR SPLIT*
THIS IS JUMPING IN THE AIR DOING A SPLIT WITH YOUR TONGUE OUT MUSIC. THE SONG TITLES LED ME TO BELIEVE THE LEAD VOCALIST ON THIS SHIT WAS GONNA SOUND LIKE A WILD BOAR GARGLING KETCHUP. BUT THIS GUYS VOICE IS OD REGULAR. THIS IS NOT EVEN SATANIC AT ALL B. I KNOW THEY WANNA BE CUZ HOMIE SAID “EVIL” AND “KILL” A BUNCH OF TIMES BUT YOU NOT REALLY GETTING YOUR MESSAGE ACROSS B CUZ YOU SOUND LIKE YOU’RE DOING KARAOKE AND YOU DON’T REALLY KNOW ALL THE WORDS.
OH NEVERMIND HE DID KINDA DIP INTO THE GUTTURAL VOICE SHIT FOR A SECOND BUT THEN HE STOPPED REAL FAST. MY NIGGA IF YOU CAN’T DO THAT CANNIBAL CORPSE GROWLING SHIT THEN YOU SHOULD PROLLY STICK TO MUSIC THAT’S NOT HEAVY. THIS SHIT SOUNDS LIKE THE TWISTED METAL SOUNDTRACK. REMEMBER THAT GAME? DOG I USED TO PICK THE ICE CREAM TRUCK AND DO NIGGAS FILTHY. HAD NIGGAS LIKE “YOOOO HOW U GOT THE ICE CREAM TRUCK?!” NIGGAS WAS NOT FUCKING WITH ME IN TWISTED METAL.
THIS DUDE SOUNDS LIKE HE’S TAKING A MELODIC SHIT B. MAN THIS IS BORING AS FUCK. SO MANY FUCKING GUITAR SOLOS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS. IS THIS OLD? OH SHIT KATHEDRAL WITH A K! SPOOKY! I’D LOVE TO SEE THE WHITEBOARD AT THE END OF THESE NIGGAS SONG BRAINSTORMING SESSIONS. HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU SING ABOUT EVIL AND SOULS AND SHIT. IS THIS CASTLEVANIA NIGGA? WHY DON’T YOU THROW ME A CURVEBALL AND DO A SONG ABOUT GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED. IF THESE DUDES DID A SONG ABOUT GETTING THEY DICKS SUCKED IT WOULD BE LIKE “THE UNHOOOLYYYYY WENCHES MAWWWWW OPEN UP YOUR JAWWWW TAKE MY MONOLITH INSIIIIIDDDEEEEE” *12 MINUTE GUITAR SOLO*
NIGGAS SINGING ABOUT “CREATURES OF THE UKNOWN” AND ALL KINDA WINGDING SHIT. WHERE’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND AT TO TELL YOU TO CHILL MY PAL? I WENT TO A COUNTY FAIR IN NEW JERSEY WHERE MY WIFE IS ORIGINALLY FROM AND THEY HAD LIKE 5 BANDS LIKE THIS AND I WAS LIKE, BRUH THERE’S A BABY PIGLET PETTING ZOO AND THESE NIGGAS ARE ON STAGE SHOUTING ABOUT “FORCES OF DARKNESS?” WHAT’S EVIL ABOUT FUNNEL CAKE? GIMME A FUCKING BREAK MY GUY. DON’T LET ME SEE YOU ON THE FERRIS WHEEL HOMIE YOU JUST DID A 20 MINUTE SET ABOUT RAPING GOBLINS IN A CEMETERY. I UNDERSTAND IT TAKES SKILL TO ACTUALLY PLAY THIS SHIT BUT THE DUDE THAT WRITES THE SONGS NEED TO PUT SOME MORE EFFORT INTO HIS LYRICS INSTEAD OF JUST PARAPHRASING R.L. STINE B.
THIS IS DEFINITELY MUSIC FOR 37 YEAR OLD VIRGINS WHO PLAY WARCRAFT AND HAVE VERY SPARSE FACIAL HAIR AND 3 REALLY CORNY TATTOOS. OH SWEET DRAGON TATTOO BRO WHY IS IT AROUND YOUR BELLYBUTTON? YOU HAVE THE PHYSIQUE OF A MELTING MARSHMALLOW B.
I GIVE THIS SHIT 1 PILE OF DUTCHGUTS OUTTA 5 GET THIS DAD METAL OUTTA HERE. I GAVE IT 1 POINT CUZ RAPING A GOBLIN SOUNDS CRAZY AND ALSO GROSS.
STANDOUT TRACK: THIS SHIT IS STRAIGHT ASS MY GUY IF I WANNA HEAR NIGGAS TALK ABOUT SLAYING DRAGONS AND SHIT I’LL READ A PRINCE VALIANT COMIC. I’M LISTENING TO DON MIGUELO & ANTONY SANTOS – 7 LOCAS RIGHT NOW THIS SHIT GO SO HARD I WISH I WAS AT A POOL PARTY RIGHT NOW *SOBS* YO SEND ME MONEY SO I CAN REALIZE MY DREAM OF COPPING A BEACHFRONT PROPERTY IN PUNTA CANA
[ED: For the record, many of us at Noisey liked this album quite a bit. Like year-end-favorite liked it. Check out a song stream we hosted from Sister of “A Buried Sun”. It’s a ripper, and out now via Metal Blade. Stream some tracks below]
