Illustration by Georgia-Rose FairmanA few years ago, when a rumour of Margaret Thatcher's death spread, I predicted what would happen when she actually did die. This is what I wrote.When Mags does finally die, it's going to unleash such an unimaginable wave of dickheadism onto our streets. Of course, you'll have the strange Mayfair Set types who'll be expecting the State which Thatcher did so much to demolish to pay for her grand funeral. But, while those guys might be the sort of international scum who broker arms deals between African governments during big game hunting trips, they'll be the least of our worries.
Okay. So imagine Thatcher dies at 10PM at night – as she might easily have done last night. "RIP Maggie" quickly starts trending on Twitter, slightly below "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead". Soon, #maggieparty starts doing some business, as people arrange to meet up in Parliament Square. By 11PM, 50 or so students have gathered outside Parliament. Three different soundsystems show up, playing dubstep and handing out glowsticks. Professor Chris Knight is there in devil horns, with a sandwich board welcoming Maggie to hell. Every news station sends a camera down. The Guardian runs a liveblog on it and Mail Online website is led by a story with pictures of dancing hippies headlined: "Shameful! Flashmobbing, Drinking and Vandalism. Is This The Right Way To Remember a British Icon?" They focus on a piece of graffiti saying "Let the bitch burn" scrawled on Churchill's statue.
The next evening, Newsnight invites Jody McIntyre on to defend the events and it's all held up as an example of a nation divided. Those mooted plans for her State funeral are scrapped, but there is still clamour for a public event in memory of her from certain newspaper columnists.
As UK Uncut distance themselves from the forums planning to disrupt the funeral by throwing paint bombs at the hearse, someone calls Meryl Streep and asks for her opinion. The police talk about pre-emptive arrests on those planning to disrupt the event, as "people have a right to express their grief". This is taken to mean dawn raids by the left-wing press. Some sources claim that the Occupy sites are going to be closed down before the funeral, others that they'll be kettled. The funeral is termed "The Battle of Two Britains" in a Times editorial and things peter along until we all explode from exasperation.
Basically, it'll be an unbearable week combining the pomposity of a Jubilee with the psychosis of the Osama death parties.
Let's see if I was right.Addendum – the Twitter hashtags have already started rolling in:
