Welcome to Question of the Day. It’s a phallic skyscraper inauguration day special!
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“City. Light. River. Glass… The Shard will be a small vertical city… rising into the air as a 306-metre glass spire…” These are the words that once adorned the protective fence surrounding the Shard’s construction site. When it was roughly 60 percent completed there were also photo-illustrations of what London’s behemoth skyscraper might look like when completed, swathed in the same soft, heavenly glow usually reserved for Barbara Walters specials or long, weirdly earnest biographic segments about the Queen.
But now, we need no photo-illustrations. C’est fini (sort of they ran out of money and just decided to leave it not quite finished until after the Olympics). The Shard is here, GET USED TO IT. The massive glass spire is having an “inauguration” celebration tonight that will involve a classical orchestra and massive laser-light show. Health and safety’s been chucked right out the top-floor window. Some have said it’s too large for London, penetrating the scenic skyline and perverting an historic view.
With that in mind, we decided to ask the burning question about London’s new phallic behemoth. Remember when they dubbed that big building in Canary Wharf “Thatcher’s cock”? Will they name the Shard “Cameron’s shaft”?
Have you ever seen a penis that looks like the Shard?
Jessica and Chris.
VICE: Have you ever seen a penis that looks like the Shard?
Jessica: The what?
Chris: A penis?
The Shard, that massive building over there.
Jessica: Oh lord, no then.
Chris: Thankfully not, no I haven’t.
Would you say the Shard is more or less phallic than the Gherkin – that’s the fat, round one, over there.
Oh, the Gherkin is much more phallic. It’s less pointy. Probably not realistically that phallic either.
Why not?
Because it’s like a big cucumber. That kind of thing probably looks more like one [gestures to long, thin crane nearby].
Yikes, guys.
Have you ever seen a penis that looks like the Shard?
Lily: Not really, it’s so pointy!
What do you think keeps it from looking like a proper penis?
Harriet: It’d be a really weird penis. It’s all jagged.
You’ve never seen a really weird one?
Lily: I don’t know, not a Shard-weird one.
Gherge: No, gross.
Why not? How have you avoided it?
It’s really diagonal and like a triangle. Have you ever seen a penis?
Generally quite splintered at the top, right?
Are you for serious?
Amanya: God, not that I can remember. I hope not. It’s the English weather.
The building would look more like a penis if it was nice out?
Yeah.
Rahishram: I haven’t.
Do you think such a penis exists?
If it did, it’d be a real shocker for the errr… recipient. Might be some problems there.
What’s the most phallic building in London, in your professional opinion?
You know what, I’ve always thought that thing about tall buildings being phallic is a bit ridiculous. Just because something’s tall doesn’t mean it’s a penis. It’s like saying any hole is vaginal.
So maybe there’ll be a resurgence in hole-based vaginal architecture now that we’ve reached the height of phallic symbols in London?
Maybe. About time.
So you build lifts for the Shard?
Tony: Yeah.
Will you be attending the inauguration?
Nah, I’m not important enough.
Have you ever seen a penis that looks like the Shard?
No, I haven’t. I’m straight.
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