Offish oldest cat in the fucking world, guy
Cats aren’t meant to live long because they’re basically useless. I have two cats, and even though I really like them, I often look at them and think about how pointless they are. All they do is kind of walk around a little and then drop to the ground and lie there. They walk really close to the ground and sort of keel over and stare into nothing. It’s like they’re depressed. I guess you would be if all your food was encased in jelly and your tongue was made of Velcro and you were one of the only other animals in the world that can get Aids.
Tell all that to my boy Scooter, though, who turned 30 recently and is now the offish oldest cat in the fucking world, guy. The Texan Siamese was born in 1986, the birth year of Drake, Megan Fox and the year of the Challenger space shuttle disaster. It’s also the year that the M25 was opened by Margaret Thatcher, and Pixar animation studios opened for business. Truly, this cat has seen it all.
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Scooter takes the place of a cat called Corduroy, who is only 26. While Corduroy is still doing speedy coke in metal-themed pub toilets at 03:00 because nowhere else is open, Scooter has retired to just getting really pissed and having life-changing hangovers once a week, and drinking more wine alone watching MasterChef. Though Scooter is currently the world’s oldest cat, he’s not quite the oldest cat ever, an accolade which goes to fellow Texan Crème Puff, who died in 2005 at the age of 38.
I rate Scooter. I like anything that refuses to die. I even had a begrudging admiration for the aforementioned Baroness Thatcher towards the end. She just wouldn’t quit! It’s not easy living outside of your life expectancy, especially when the risk of being crushed, run over and mauled to death is a daily concern. Scooter also came back from a tragedy, his mother dying at only four months old, and a broken leg in 2014, during his late 20s. Here’s to another 30, mate. Hope you get on the catnip and have a suspiciously runny nose in the office for the rest of the week.
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