Facebook stalking is something that you have obviously never done, ’cause you’re not a total loser with crippling insecurity and no friends. But, according to the internet, the site is moving towards introducing a system where you will be able to tell who has looked at your page. So, in theory, if you were such a loser, here’s who you should be getting some last minute e-stalking done on before Zuckerberg ruins it for everyone.
ALL OF YOUR EXES
Relationships can take different lengths of time to get over, and it’s never a good idea to dwell on the past, but have you SEEN how she looks right now? And then there’s the endless, banal shit she spouts – “Nice Diet Coke moment at work today!”; “This rain seriously needs to do one!”; “Raiders of the Lost Ark is da perfect Sat film!” It’d be tragic, if every status update wasn’t “Liked” by that one loyal BFF from back home in Newcastle, who came to London to visit you once but got in a fight with all your friends and ended up shouting “You all fucking think you’re better than me, don’t you?” at the pub. That was embarrassing.
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Of course, that’s only one ex, and there will be some who were destined for greater things, like dating famous DJs and ending up on magazine covers. It won’t be so bad to look at their pictures now, though, because you tapped that, son.
THAT BOY YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS ALWAYS HANGING OUT WITH
Yeah, there’s a guy she hangs out with at uni when you’re not around, so what? You’re a modern guy, he helps her with her studies, she loves you and you trust her, it’s COOL. But before it’s too late, it might be worth checking if everything really is “cool”. Vindictive partners are normally good at covering their online tracks, but their “study buddy” won’t give a shit. You’re probs not gonna be able to work out if he’s sleeping with your girlfriend, but you will be able to see that he “Liked’ The Hangover 2. So that should make you feel better about yourself.
YOUR OLD SCHOOL BULLY
It’s an ancient truth explored in all Nickelodeon shows that the bully was only a bully because they were unloved at home and suffered from some pretty deep-set insecurities. These things result in their adulthood going one of two ways. They either give in to their fears entirely and end up young with kids, having let themselves go, in a dead-end job drinking too much, or they become super-assertive and arrogant adult bullies who end up spending too much time in the gym and working in finance where banter reigns and they can still be feared by people weaker than them. Expect to see photographs of lads’ holidays where they are standing on a beach admiring each other’s flexed muscles. Because if there is one group of people who don’t understand irony, it’s those guys who spend their childhood calling other guys fags.
YOUR WORK NEMESIS
You know, that person at work who rats you out for arriving back from lunch ten minutes late and then passively aggressively sighs at you for cleaning up their mess in an unsatisfactory way. Surely something in their private life has led them to be such a sour bastard. The most depressing thing about looking them up is that there aren’t any pictures of them reading Mein Kampf or molesting children, they’re just totally normal and boring. Maybe a few too many pictures of them on their own, but there they are, smiling. But be warned; looking through the window and finding pictures of them lovingly cradling their newborn niece is going to make you feel bad about how much you hate them.
FAMOUS FRIENDS-OF-FRIENDS
Whether it’s Malfoy’s fat henchman, Stefan from Dalston Superstars, the youngest daughter of Vanessa Feltz, or even Peaches Geldof – fame isn’t quite the rare commodity it used to be. If you have a substantial number of Facebook friends, it’s pretty likely that you’re only one degree of separation away from a bona fide star (well, ish) and by looking at their Facebook, you too can learn what it’s like to walk the red carpets and eat your breakfast at the Ivy. Being somebody who has held an interest in stalking celebrities on the internet for a while, I can tell you that they are respectively: in jail for looting; in LA for the summer (OBVIOUSLY); living in Israel and wearing fancy dress pretty regularly; and still looking totally do-able, despite having just had a baby.
RELATIVES
Your cousins all have Facebook, even the ones you haven’t seen in years or the one you thought you bumped into at a house party when you were 15, but neither of you knew whether the other knew who you were so you didn’t say anything (hi, Lucy!). Your parents all still speak to each other and show off about the exploits that you lie to them about and try to pit you against each other in a parenting competition. Cut through the bullshit and find out if they really did write an episode of The Inbetweeners or they just made tea at Channel 4 for two months before getting fired for lying to people about writing an episode of The Inbetweeners (hi again, Lucy!).
HOT PEOPLE WITH BEACH PICS
For those times when pornography won’t do it (no, I don’t understand it either). There are many people in the world and on the internet who like to get a tan, and then take pictures of themselves having loads of fun on holiday in their tanny skin. Yeah, they look hot; yeah, you’d sleep with them if you had the chance, but you don’t. You’re on Facebook and they’re on the beach having a lovely time without you. Which is obviously some kind of profound metaphor for something very, very important about the way we all live our lives today, but you can’t quite figure out what it is because Facebook has destroyed your attention span and oh, wow, tan lines.
Follow Sam on Twitter: @samvoulters
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