In case you missed Barbara Cartland‘s amazing guide to ringing in 2011, here’s another one.
TEN GREAT WAYS TO CELEBRATE NEW YEAR
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10. Re-enact your birth.
The world is giving birth to another year. It’s your job to represent this symbolically.
9. Write a mighty list of things you can improve about yourself.
Call it your “Magna Carta” before laughing at your own erudition. Make amendment to list that includes not laughing at your own erudition.
8. Tell your friends you intend to spend 2011 finding better friends.
Gauge their reaction: do they seem at all sad? If not, well done, you got out with your dignity intact. You jumped before you were pushed. People respect that. Ruthlessness is an endearing quality. New friends are just around the corner.
7. Go Elf-hunting in Iceland.
Elves are still at large on the northern island, which is why there is a government inspector whose job it is to make sure that any proposed building work is not carried out on Elf land. Who could be more fun than that guy? No-one. What could be better than partying with Elves? Nothing.
6. Take drugs.
Take more drugs than anyone else. Take them all and stay up really late. The drugs are sure to make you happy this time.
5. Fall into a pit of nostalgia.
Go through draws of old photographs. Look at the happy, smiling face of your younger self, so full of hope. Try and remember the names of the people you are looking at. Wipe the tears from your eyes and the drool from your face.
4. Stick to the Ethiopian calendar and celebrate New Year on 11 September.
Thereby enraging Americans with your insensitivity.
3. Build an enormous snowman version of Julian Assange.
Because 2010’s greatest hero deserves a fitting tribute. Use strips of silver birch for his freedom-of-information loving silver hair. If you can, have him leaning studiously over an enormous computer, also made of snow.
2. Watch the television hits of the 80s and 90s.
Is that Theo Huxtable? George from Seinfeld? What the hell is Roger Moore doing?
1. Go to the Old Blue Last.
Fuck off, who says we can’t advertise our own pub in the middle of a blog? It’s gonna be a good night, you’ll be happy once you’re there.
OSCAR RICKETT
