The Men Who Fake Orgasms

This post was originally published on Broadly.

I always thought I would want to have a talk with my daughter about the importance of communication in relationships, and speaking up for your sexual needs, and not faking orgasms, and now I understand I’m going to need to have the same talk with my son. Women historically get all the glory as the orgasm fakers; except for that Josh Hartnett scene in 40 Days and 40 Nights, we don’t hear too much about the men. A study often quoted carried out by the Journal of Sex Research found that 67 percent of women have faked it, and so have 28 percent of men. Curious to learn more, I decided to ask some guys about it. It turns out their reasons are similar to the reasons women fake it: an inability to come due to SSRIs and a desire to please their partner.

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Broadly: So what’s your experience with faking orgasms?
Scott, 27: I was having a little problem with arriving too early at the departure gate. And so my doctor actually prescribed me this mild antidepressant that was shown to have good side effects with that. I took it, and I was with my ex, and I couldn’t come. No matter what I did. I didn’t tell her about it, and oddly enough I didn’t know that would be the last time she and I did anything. But we went for a long time, and eventually she’d come twice or three times over and I still hadn’t done anything. So I just put on an O face.

Did she notice? Or did she think you came?
She thought I came. Or at least she said that she did. I’ve wondered since if she figured it out.

Were you guys using condoms? Did you have to fake physical evidence?
We were. It would have been harder to fake physical evidence. I pretty much pulled the condom off and went to the bathroom to flush it. Wasted a perfectly good condom.

Have you faked one since then?
No, I haven’t. I haven’t had the issue. I think it was completely that medicine. I stopped taking it because I actually was on another antidepressant [for depression] and the two really didn’t work well together.

Did you fake it because you felt she would be disappointed if you didn’t finish?
Yeah, I thought that she would feel like she didn’t do a good job. I was mortified with myself.

Broadly: So how frequently have you faked an orgasm?
Matt, 28: When I about 17 to 23, mostly during flings, and then two serious relationships where I eventually told them about the issue. [Then] I would masturbate on their chest, ass or back after they came.

Why did you fake it?
I faked because, due to masturbating without lube in my youth, I couldn’t come from vaginal sex. My dick had grown used to coming as a result of my hard, dry, calloused hand. Pumping away never provided the rough friction I’d grown accustomed to in my youth. No one knows how to push your buttons like you.

Did you fake it in order to please your partner?
Yes, I always thought sex isn’t good unless both parties get off, and I know that I personally always feel better when I make someone come…although I’d rather someone tell me it isn’t happening, than fake on my behalf. It’s also kind of a weird thing to try to explain to a fling. The lie was just easier.

How did you physically fake it?
Anexaggerated grunt that bordered on yelling, followed by a complete bodily collapse. Then I’d quickly take the condom off and throw as far from the bed as possible.

As a woman sometimes after faking orgasms I feel guilty or resentful that I did so. Did you ever feel any of those emotions?
I worried a little that I’d get caught—that my dance partner would find the condom, empty it out and inspect the contents to realize I’d lied. It sucked because it really kept me from being in the moment and sharing that special after-fuck glow.

Did you talk with your friends about it? Do you know other men who have done this?
It would usually come up after very late booze and coke drenched nights that foster a lot of camaraderie. When guys get together, sex stories get swapped, and when you’re feeling connected with people it’s easy to be honest about insecurities. A lot of guys can’t get off from head, so, sometimes that would bring up. “Hey, you know what else can’t get me off?” I was surprised that when I talked about it no one made me feel weird about it and lot of admitted to having the same problem, but didn’t know why. Some dudes questioned their sexual orientation.

Would you do it again?
No. When you take your clothes off with someone, you should feel safe being who you are.

Broadly: So you mentioned you faked orgasms while with your ex wife. Do you know what what was going on that made you fake it?
Tony, 37: I was taking 200mg of Zoloft daily for depression and anxiety, and it made sex…[feel] unnecessary. If it weren’t for my ex wife, I would have had no sex at all during that time. I had no libido. I’d get erections, but orgasms were hard to reach. I could, but it would take a long time. About every third time or so it just wasn’t going to happen, so I would fake.

Did you feel pressure that you needed to fake in order to please her?
It was absolutely to please her. She needed the validation of me coming, but she also liked feeling it inside her, which is hard to fake.

So you had to physically fake the come? How’d you do that?
Saying it was the Zoloft that diminished my semen. I hated doing it. But felt a duty to please her as her husband. But on the Zoloft there is no desire for sex for me. It’s weird—it just goes away.

Would you do it again?

No, I am off the Zoloft and [don’t have the problem anymore]. After splitting with my ex, I was still on the meds for a while which made single life very hard, so I went off the meds and cope with my issues in other more positive ways.