The Noisey Guide to Christina Aguilera

At some point between scrolling through a sea of The Voice gifs and rewatching the video of her supposedly perioding down her leg during a funeral, I remembered how long Christina Aguilera has been in the diva with a disturbingly big voice game. While I happily did gym and dance displays to her polite string of debut album hits, it was her second record, with its unmistakeable opening gambit of “too dirrty to clean my act up”, that had me falling hook, line and sinker for the pop princess gone bad. So here’s everything I know about her.

THE TIME SHE HATED BRITNEY SPEARS

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Timing and blondeness meant the two Disney school graduates were always going to be pitted against each other, but while I loved and would still maim someone for Britney, I always kinda rated the constant air of eye-rolling Aguilera had in comparison to Britney’s overexcited Yorkshire terrier persona. While Spears’ camp went H.A.M with the creepy paedo innuendo for her debut, Christina kept her sultriness pretty low key with singles “Genie in a Bottle” (wanna rub me the right way…alright lads), “Come on Over” (I’m not just talking about yo’ sex-shoo-ality…I’m also talking about fingerbanging) and “What A Girl Wants” (what a girl needs…is for you to put the ball-gag on)

BUT THEN, Y’KNOW, SHE RELEASED “DIRRTY”

I remember a group of us spending our entire lunchtime in the IT room waiting for this video to buffer, only to sit there in stunned silence as we saw the formerly (kinda) angelic Christina slamming her genitals around so ferociously, I thought I might get pink eye via the internet (great stuff from 1:50 onwards BTW.) I then came home from school and my dad was doing exactly the same thing as it played sheepishly on The Box.

It wasn’t long before LOL-haters decided that maybe it was a bit too flesh happy for daytime MTV and it was swiftly ushered into x-rated screening hours. But, I mean, once you’re over how excellent the video is as a whole it’s like…WTF, ASSLESS CHAPS? And then WTF, REDMAN? Like, not only was the featuring rapper allowed to have a lengthy grope of the the newly anointed “Xtina”, but the featuring rapper was frickin’ REDMAN shouting about Brick City and Bernie Mac. WHO OKAYED THIS?

What followed was a glorious flurry of saucy lads mags shoots, verbal shots fired at her parents, mashing her backing dancer and nipple piercing paparazzi shots. And that, Miley Cyrus, is how you fall off the pop princess wagon.

THE TIME SHE HAD HER STANDARD PROCEDURE DISNEY BREAKDOWN WAY LATE

Post divorce and pre discovering comfort eating, Christina did what every bored and vaguely unhappy young woman does: drank like she didn’t want to live. Shortly after “tripping” at the Grammys (FROM BEING STEAMING DRUNK IDK ALLEGEDLY) Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication with her boyfriend Matthew Rutler. Fun-vacuum Pink took some time away from making PETA flyers to fire shots at Aguilera, tweeting:

Out of myself, Britney and Christina – didn’t everyone think I was gonna be the troublemaker? Look Ma!!! No cuffs!!!

Honestly Pink, I always thought you were going to make ugly femrock for Australian divorcées to listen to while they chomp down on another bottle of Celexa. Should have put a bet on. Fortunately for Aguilera she soon learned to get shitfaced with some decorum and now she just slams cocktails on the weekend surrounded by a wall of security.

BUT ALSO THE TIME SHE WAS HAPPILY MARRIED

While her counterparts were busy shaving their heads and racking up DUIs like they were collectable Panini stickers, Christina married her long term beau, Jordan Bratman. Then she stepped it up a notch by having a kid and wearing shit that covered her whole body but wasn’t, like, a wipe-clean catsuit. Everyone was all, “YOU GO GIRL, YOU TAKE YOUR KID TO THE PLAYGROUND LIKE A NORMAL FUNCTIONING PERSON” but also “n’aaawww, Christina got boring”. It was during her boring era that Aguilera released retro inspired Back to Basics which, while it may have received a sort of lukewarm response, is was actually filled with some massive tunes. I’m telling you, listen to “Ain’t No Other Man” and tell me you don’t magically know every ad lib and inclination in it.

THE TIME SHE MADE US FORGET RICKY MARTIN’S THEN CLOSET HOMOSEXUALITY BECAUSE LOL GOT ENOUGH MAKE-UP ON, BABE?

Seriously, what in sweet eyeliner is happening here? You’re only really supposed to use that many layers when you’re priming masonry.

THE TIME SHE WORE THIS

“Your highness, I’ve finished cutting the ass cheeks out of all your trousers. What would you like to wear?”

“It’s okay assistant number two, I just found this old scarf under a lorry and have already rubbed myself down with engine oil.”

“I see, sorry for interrupting Ms Aguilera.”

“Thank you. Please close the door once you’ve finished crawling out of the room.”

THE TIME SHE GOT “FAT”

Aside from her voice, flawless cans and smashing her face into a cosmetics counter for every day of her career, one of the most inspiring attributes of Christina is how great she is at bullying. Like, there’s throwing Mariah levels of shade and then there’s throwing darts at Kelly Osbourne’s face on national TV. Sadly, Xtina did the ultimate celebrity no-no of putting on a bit of adorable cronut chub. Kelly Osbourne revelled in Aguilera’s new found pudge saying:

Maybe she’s just becoming the fat bitch she was always born to be. I don’t know. She was a cunt to me.

The thing is, while Kelly wept on cue and crash dieted about her weight, Aguilera just packed her pudge in an endless collection of bandage dresses and slathered some wood stain on. Whutevs though, ‘cos fast forward to today and Christina’s dropped the weight while Kelly is still the most pointless human being to breathe on the red carpet.

THE TIME SHE FORGOT THE LYRICS TO THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

Who really knows all the words to the American national anthem? Gun freaks and religious zealots is who.

THIS GIF

THE TIME SHE BECAME A FAUX-TINA

Hands up if you were as confused as me by Christina’s last-name-furiously-Aryan-appearance combo? Thankfully, having pretty much exhausted all you can do with peroxide blonde hair (lowlights, slut dreads, cornrows) Christina embraced her ~latina~ heritage on “Can’t Hold Us Down” and it was the best worst / thing in music history. In the video, newly raven haired Xtina strutted down a Sesame Street version of Harlem before launching into tirade against men with more z-snapping and sassy put downs then I can ever hope to achieve. If this is what living in a poorly subsidised, rundown area of NYC is really like then get me a one way ticket!

THE TIME SHE DID THAT SONG WITH DIDDY

STRAIGHT. BANGER.

THE TIME SHE UPSTAGED EVERYONE ON “LADY MARMALADE”

I’ve always maintained that burlesque is strictly for posh girls with abandonment issues that want to force their underwhelming tits on the general public, but the release of Moulin Rouge, briefly ,changed all of that. Not because the film had any redeeming qualities (shout out to glamorising syphilitic Parisian whores) but because of the standout song of the soundtrack, “Lady Marmalade”

Can you imagine them portioning out the vocals and Mya being like,

“Ayo, hold on a sec how comes Christina gets the…”

“MOOOOCCCCHHHHHA CHOCA LATTTA YAYAYAAAYAYAYA CREEEOOOLE LAAAAAYDAAAAY MARMMMAAALAAAAA-aaa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE”

“…Alright, whatever.”

Below is also a great reminder of when Grammy performances weren’t a pile of cunt. Ugh, all I want to do now is flick a sweaty garter belt at some lonely old men.

EVERY TIME SHE HAS SUNG “BEAUTIFUL”

I guess most people won’t have noticed the vocal complexity of “Beautiful” because you’re fucking philistines but seriously, listen to it back and you’ll notice there are more flat notes to navigate than a cat thrown at a piano. That’s why when even the accomplished singers attempt it on X Factor it sounds like they’ve been a bit too generous with the horse tranquillisers.

THE FACT THAT SHE HAS NEVER HIT A BUM NOTE EVER