Okay, hands up, where’s everyone getting their failsafe instructions for cooking crack these days? The guy who hangs outside Bethnal Green KFC and smells like an ancient barbecue? A discontinued chemistry book you found in the British Library? CookingLovelyCrack.com? Is nobody smoking crack anymore or something? AM I THE ONLY ONE?
Okay, I’m joking. Did I need to say I’m joking? I don’t actually smoke crack. Smoking crack doesn’t seem like a good thing, psychologically or biologically, and also it’s quite expensive and, honestly, I eat jacket potatoes three nights per week – I don’t have the means for a freebase budget. That whole crack thing I did up there, that was all a joke, a joke that luxury rap beatmaker, The Purist – whose latest album came out in March, and features Action Bronson, Danny Brown and Cas – has driven taken to its furthest extent on his album artwork.
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His album is called Pyrex Scholar, so, as you can see from above, the artwork references lots of branding from the kitchen cookware company of the same name. It’s been out for a few months, but it wasn’t until we received the deluxe vinyl copy this morning that we noticed everything in its full glory, because when you slip the record out from the sleeve, what comes tumbling with it but some Pyrex jug instructions, which would traditionally tell you how to rustle up some awful custard or viscid gravy, that contain a step-by-step guide for cooking up some hearty crack cocaine.
As you can see above, it details everything you need to get the show on the road, all things you’d find in the standard modern British kitchen: 0.5L Pyrex glass measuring jug, baking soda, one large cooking pan, one teaspoon, piles of gak. Seems simple enough!
So, is The Purist’s quick guide to cooking up bump actually logical? If you followed these instructions, would you end up with a brick of freebase the size of a toy truck? Could The Purist’s debut album be making addicts out of us innocent rap fans? Are our children safe/can I try this? The artwork comes with a disclaimer suggesting that by omitting actual details (weights, values) it is not REALLY a guide for cooking crack, but how far off is it exactly?
I contacted Vice writer Max Daly, who writes a column for Vice about drugs called Narcomania. He called some people up the check it out. First, his mate Kev The Chemist, who cooks crack. Kev says…
“Pure cocaine has a solubility of 1 gram in 600 grams of water. No volumes of liquid are given so it’s not really a guide. From their route, a lot of solvent is used. A warning about levamisole (an additive used by dealers to bulk cocaine) would be welcomed, but I doubt they care. I do know that for converting small amounts, ammonia is simpler to use – that’s the Dutch route. As you add the powder, the freebase just floats on top.”
Max thought it’d probably best to ask someone with a proper sounding job title, so he also spoke to Michael Linnell, an expert from UK Drug Watch:
“I somehow very much doubt this will lead to a frenzy of crack making by those people who catch site of the album sleeve, but I think it’s a great way to get journalists to write stories about said album. If you wanted to know how to make crack, there are plenty of methods on the internet.”
So, there you have it. No: the instructions on The Purist’s album cannot teach you how to cook crack but it seems there are plenty of people out there who can. So, try to avoid them, yeah?
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