All this could be yours for a mere €15
Free gifts are always better appreciated by people who can already afford them: That is just the cold truth. You there, with your mug full of change, headed to the Coinstar hoping all those pennies and nickels add up to a meal: A €27,500 skin cream voucher would be wasted on you. You there, the one trying to figure out if you qualify for food stamps, and if you don’t, wondering how you’ll pay your electricity bill: Free Audi rentals for life are not going to help you. It makes sense that the great and the beautiful get rewarded beyond supermodels to have sex with and multimillion-dollar salaries at the Oscars this year. It makes sense and is entirely appropriate and logical that the goodie bag for every nominee in the acting and directing categories includes a ludicrous $200,000 worth of free shit [€180,000].
The Oscar’s press team described the contents of the goodie bag as being “once again a blend of fabulous, fun and functional items meant to thrill and pamper those who may have everything money can buy but still savor the simple joy of a gift.” So let’s cast aside the cynicism and sarcasm and rage at the gross, gross unfairness of it all: Incredibly wealthy people enjoy free shit too.
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The bag includes bizarre cosmetic procedures (a voucher for the “Vampire Breast Lift” promises “blood-derived growth factors to revive rounder cleavage without implants”) through to more predictable items, such as a the-day first class trip to Israel, or a €220 “arouser” sex toy for female guests. Also a €220 vape pen, because vaping is cool.
Unfortunately, for reasons, we weren’t invited to the Oscars this year. But we wanted to get involved in the goodie bag-shaped fun anyway. So here’s how we put our own together, on a slightly pared down budget of about €15.
Oscar nominees get: a ten-day first class trip to Israel (€49,000)
We got: a framed oil painting of Larry David (€5)
Why go all the way to the Holy Land? As any Curb enthusiast knows, Larry David’s relationship with Israel is profound, which is why we put him in a frame instead of buying plane tickets and hotels and flights and a guide and a book called What Israel Is?. Most notably Larry David’s love for Israel (and world peace) was brought out in the Curb episode “Palestinian Chicken,” where Larry attempts to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict by wooing a lady at a Palestinian-American restaurant. Needless to say, many viewers found the episode distasteful. But there’s nothing distasteful about this €5 picture frame!
Oscar nominees get: Ultherapy, a laser skin-tightening procedure
We got: 50 wooden pegs (€1.30)
Yes, lasers can have a lasting tightening effect on the skin when properly shot at you by a trained professional, but they are also expensive (bad) and can possibly be retooled by a Bond villain to be some earth-destroying hyper-weapon (very bad). Instead, peg your saggy face back onto your skull with these actual pegs: hygienic, affordable, and a 50-pack should last you weeks.
Oscar nominees get: a lifetime supply of Lizora skin creams (€27,500)
We got: one pot of Hollywood Beauty Cocoa Butter (€4.50)
I mean depending on how often you use it, this pot could feasibly last a lifetime. It is extremely petroleum-heavy and rich. A little goes a long way. Unless you have exceptionally warm fingers, it is quite hard to get out of the pot. And, fundamentally, aren’t all creams basically the same? A wholesale scam by the beauty industry to make us invest in unguents? If anything, the Hollywood Beauty Cocoa Butter (which says the word “Hollywood” multiple times on the pot, guys) is too expensive for what you get.
Female Oscar nominees will get: a €220 “arouser” offering “gentle suction and stimulation”
We got: one cucumber (€1)
Suction and stimulating are both incredibly broad services that (depending on how you slice it) a cucumber could undoubtedly provide. Also—and not sure you’ve noticed this, but—a cucumber is roughly similar in shape if not size to a human penis. Who needs a bedazzled dildo! Not us! (Note: Do not use a cucumber or any other piece of produce as a sex toy.)
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Oscar nominees get: a year’s worth of unlimited Audi car rentals (€40,000)
We got: an Uber promo code (potentially free)
Anyone with half a brain and enough mobile data will know that there is only one way to ride around in a car that doesn’t belong to you. So, we give you this: NZSOU, or something, a promo code for Uber which entitles you to €13 off your next ride and may or may not work.
Oscar nominees get: three private training sessions with celebrity wellness expert and star of ABC’s My Diet Is Better Than Yours, Jay Cardiello (€1,240)
We got: three squishy balls, which my grandma uses to combat arthritis (€1,8)
If you place a squishy spherical object in your hand and hold it tightly for periods of time during the day, the short busts of exercise will combat the symptoms of arthritis in your hand. You should try shaking my grandma’s hand these days. Grip like a… well. It’s not strong, but it’s better. She’s not winning any jar-opening competitions, let’s put it that way. But it’s better.
Photo via Hanako Footman
Oscar nominees get: a Japanese walking tour (€40,000)
We got: a group tour around London’s most Japanese venues, guided by our friend Hanako, who is half-Japanese (Price: suggested donation, a.k.a. free)
Quote from Hanako about the tour: “Starting out at the Japan Centre in Piccadilly Circus, you will explore the very best of Japan without having to spend a penny, although I do accept donations.” Note the wording: donations. Legally you do not have to pay Hanako for this. Morally? Morally it’s on you. But legally. Legally this tour is gratis.
Oscar nominees get: a ‘Vampire Breast Lift’ (€1,680)
We got: a large roll of sellotape (€1.30)
Yeah you could get all your blood taken out and pumped back into your tits OR if you just wrap enough sellotape around your chest, eventually all the blood inside of you will find its way there anyway, giving the vague appearance of a boob job and a hell of a welt when you unwrap yourself after a night out.
Oscar nominees get: a Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer (€220)
We got: a cigarette butt from the floor (Priceless)
Because smoking and vaping kills. Well, vaping doesn’t kill. Unless you count your dignity. It definitely kills that.
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