Hi, just a quick one, but we need to—
Spider bites Australian man on penis again
— BBC News, September 28 2016
Videos by VICE
— yeah we need to talk about this, because I have some questions and I think you have some too, a lot of them stemming from a single word in the above sentence, that word being “again”. To paraphrase Wilde: to get bitten by one spider on the penis may be regarded as misfortune; to have two spiders bite your dick looks like carelessness.
Onwards:
A 21-year-old Australian tradesman has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for a second time.
The man was using a portable toilet on a Sydney building site on Tuesday, when he suffered a repeat of the incident five months ago.
Jordan, who preferred not to reveal his surname, said he was bitten on “pretty much the same spot” by the spider.
“I’m the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment,” he told the BBC.
Something so Australian about the addendum “at the moment”, there, as if there is a chance that someone could somehow take that crown by being unluckier, that at any moment some dude in Perth will have his dick bitten by two spiders simultaneously, dick blowing up to the size and erratic shape of a rugby ball, and Jordan No-Name with his cock bandages will shrug and go, “Well, at least I’m not the unluckiest guy in Australia any more.”
“I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time.
“I was like, ‘I can’t believe it’s happened again.’ I looked down and I’ve seen a few little legs come from around the rim.”
He said that being bitten the first time had made him wary of using portable toilets.
I mean: apparently not wary enough, because he got bit all up in the dick again. Come on, man. Come on. Stop letting spiders bit your penis to shreds.
The tradesman said he was not sure what type of spider bit him this time.
One of his colleagues took him from the worksite in north-west Sydney to Blacktown Hospital – although many of his workmates were quick to see the lighter side of the situation.
“They got worried the first time,” he said. “This time they were making jokes before I was getting in the car.”
The concern, I suppose, is that this is the first act in a superhero movie, and that this guy – Jordan, although we may as well start calling him his true name now, Spider-Dick – that this guy now has unique weaponised powers stemming almost entirely from his dick, and he has to go on a journey to decide whether to use these powers for good or for evil. I mean, while we’re here we may as well sketch out a basic plot summary:
ACT ONE
EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE OPENING GRAPHICS SEQUENCE WHERE THE CAMERA ROVES THROUGH A SERIES OF INTERLOCKING METAL COGS AND PLASTIC PIPING BEFORE ZOOMING OUT ON THE WORDS “SPIDER-DICK”, THEN BACK IN AGAIN TO REVEAL THAT THEY WERE ALL PART OF THE SEWAGE SYSTEM BENEATH THE PORTALOO IN WHICH JORDAN IS ABOUT TO GET HIS DICK BIT OFF, THIS BIT BEING THE FORESHADOWING.
JORDAN takes a PLANK off a LORRY HEAVY WITH PLANKS. Everything is VERY ORANGE AND BLUE. He is wearing a HARD HAT, although notably NO VISIBLE DICK PROTECTION.
JORDAN: Hey, Dick
His DOG AND ONLY FRIEND, a LABRADOR THAT HAS INEXPLICABLY BEEN ALLOWED ONTO THE BUILDING SITE, is called DICK. THIS BIT IS ALSO FORESHADOWING.
DICK: Woof!
JORDAN looks at his PHONE. We see the LAST TEXT HE SENT, to a GIRL called JESSICA. It says, “I JUST REALLY HOPE I DON’T GET BIT ON THE DICK AGAIN TODAY.” No reply. JORDAN sighs and drinks some water.
JORDAN: I gotta pee, Dick!
DICK: Woof!
CAMERA zooms in on a CLOSED TOILET CUBICLE. CAMERA, from above, zooms in on A CLEARLY COMPUTER GENERATED SPIDER. OVER 15 AGONISING MINUTES LATER, BECAUSE THIS MOVIE REALLY NEEDS A LOT BY WAY OF PLOT, JORDAN innocently SITS, PISSES and WHISTLES while the SPIDER lowers itself down on a PIECE OF WEB. THE SPIDER THEN BITES HIM ON THE DICK.
JORDAN: Ow! My dick! My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick! My diiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!
DICK, OUTSIDE THE CUBICLE, EVER LOYAL DICK, THE DOG: [Panicked woofing]
ACT TWO
JORDAN wakes up in a HOSPITAL BED with an AUDIBLY BEEPING MACHINE NEXT TO HIM and SOME SORT OF TUBE IN HIS ARM. A NURSE runs and fetches a DOCTOR. The DOCTOR has a SLIGHTLY EVIL GOATEE and a SORT OF UNCHILL VIBE.
JORDAN: Doc, what happened?
DOCTOR: You got bit on the dick, Jordan.
JORDAN: Again?
DOCTOR: Yeah, man. Two times. What the hell.
JORDAN: I can’t believe I got bit on the dick again.
DOCTOR: It is absurd. I mean, it is stupid.
JORDAN: My dick hurts real bad, doc.
DOCTOR: We’ll give you something for the pain, but you’re good to go home. You got anyone who can drive you?
JORDAN: Well…
CUT to DICK THE LABRADOR driving a TRUCK down a FREEWAY while JORDAN ices his DICK AND BALLS
JORDAN: Thanks, boy
[ALL STAR by SMASH MOUTH plays in the background]
§
JORDAN’S ELDERLY AUNT, AUNT GERMAINE, brings him MILK and COOKIES on a TRAY.
AUNT GERMAINE: How’s your dick, baby?
JORDAN: Still pretty bad, Aunt Germaine.
AUNT GERMAINE: [Slowly turns to an old photograph in a frame] Oh, I’m just so glad your father never had to see you like this.
JORDAN: How did he die, Aunt Germaine?
AUNT GERMAINE’S FACE suddenly goes DARK
AUNT GERMAINE: You don’t need to know that. You don’t need to know that now.
NOTE TO MOVIE EXECUTIVES: IN THE SECOND FILM WE CAN REVEAL HIS DAD DIED BY GETTING HIS DICK BITTEN BY THREE SPIDERS. THE FILM CAN BE CALLED SPIDER-DICK: REVENGEANCE
§
JORDAN wakes up in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. His DICK is GROWING GREEN AND PULSATING.
JORDAN: Woah.
Suddenly his DICK shoots a VILE GREEN ROPE up onto the ceiling and pulls JORDAN up to SWING FROM IT.
JORDAN: [Panicked] What the hell!
His DICK then DROPS HIM TO THE BED again and FIRES HUGE AND TERRIBLE WADS OF SEMEN up into the air, I mean like fucking CANNON BALLS, these things.
JORDAN: I’m dreaming! I have to be dreaming!
His DICK shoots ONE SOLID ROPE OF SEMEN OUT, WHICH YOU CAN KIND OF USE LIKE A LIGHTSABER
JORDAN: Or is this… actually cool?
§
In the HOSPITAL, we zoom in on THE DOCTOR. It turns out his namebadge says DR EVIL VON DOOM. He is looking at X-RAYS of JORDAN’S DICK.
VON DOOM: If that dick kid can get bitten twice on the dick by a spider and, by the looks of this X-ray, develop superpowers from it, then imagine what I could do with…
HE PICKS UP A SYRINGE
VON DOOM: Snake venom!
He plunges the SYRINGE FULL OF SNAKE VENOM into his DICK. His TROUSERS immediately begin to CONTORT AND WIGGLE. THERE IS LIGHTNING IN THE ROOM, SOMEHOW.
VON DOOM: MY DIIIIIICK! MY SWEET AND BEAUTIFUL DIIIIIIIIIICK! I FEEL IT GROWING… POWERFUL!!!!!
§
JORDAN goes into to the BUILDING SITE PREFAB OFFICE to pick up his PAYCHEQUE. JESSICA is behind the desk. She is PROBABLY PLAYED BY AMY ADAMS.
JORDAN: [Breathlessly] I gotta tell you something. The weirdest thing happened las—
JESSICA: Jordan!
SHE gives him a VERY PLATONIC HUG
JESSICA: How’s your dick?
JORDAN: Yeah, good. Listen, can I ask you—
TAD ENTERS. He is VISIBLY STRONG and TOUGH.
TAD: Hey, babe.
He KISSES JESSICA on the LIPS
JESSICA: Hey Jordan, you know Tad?
TAD: Sup, brah?
JORDAN: Hey, man.
TAD: Heard about your dick.
THREE REALLY STRONG LOOKING STREET TOUGHS IN VESTS AND BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAPS who HAVE BEEN THERE ALL ALONG I JUST FORGOT TO MENTION THAT all STAND AND GIGGLE BEHIND HIM
JESSICA: Tad, don’t be mean…
TAD: No, it’s cool, man! It’s cool to be bitten on the dick. By a spider. Repeatedly.
JESSICA: Tad…
JORDAN: No, it’s fine Jessica.
TAD: Hey! Don’t talk to my girl!
TAD throws a football really hard at JORDAN’S FACE
TAD: You fucking DICK NERD!
TAD and his GANG OF TOUGHS run away. JESSICA helps him up.
JESSICA: Are you OK?
JORDAN: Yeah.
JESSICA: God, he’s just so… ugh! I just love bad boys, I guess. Bad boys with no visible bite marks on their dick.
JORDAN: I guess.
§
MONTAGE SCENE WHERE JORDAN AND DICK DRIVE OUT TO ABANDONED COUNTRYSIDE AND HONE JORDAN’S SKILLS, I.E. BLASTING TINS OFF AN OLD STONE WALL WITH FOCUSED CROTCH THRUSTS (THE FIRST CROTCH THRUSTS ARE INEFFECTIVE, BY THE END OF THE SCENE THEY ARE ACCURATE LIKE A SNIPER), SWINGING FROM HIGH STRONG TREE BRANCHES, SHOOTING WADS OF SEMEN LIKE STEPPING STONES ACROSS A RIVER AND HOPPING ALONG THEM, CUTTING LOGS WITH THE FOCUSED DICK BEAM, AND THEN AT THE END HE AND THE DOG HI-FIVE AND JORDAN SAYS, “YEAH”
JORDAN: Yeah!
§
RICH PEOPLE are at the OPERA dressed in FINE CLOTHES and EXPENSIVE WATCHES. They are TAKING THEIR SEATS to start the SECOND ACT – IF WE NEED 15 MINUTES MORE OF FILM TIME JUST HAVE A REALLY LONG OPERA SEQUENCE IN HERE, MAYBE THE OPERA CAN BE ABOUT A SPIDER, SOMEHOW? OR A SNAKE? IDK – when the GROUND begins to SHAKE. The RICH PEOPLE look around, shocked. A RICH OLD WHITE WOMAN grasps her BOSOM in PRE-SHOCK.
RICH OLD WHITE WOMAN: What on—?
DR EVIL VON DOOM emerges FROM THE STAGE FLOOR as SHARDS of WOOD fly AROUND EVERYWHERE. His DICK lashes around like an ANACONDA POSSESSED. He can FLOAT NOW. RICH PEOPLE begin to RUN and he KILLS ONE WITH A WELL-AIMED WAD OF SEMEN.
EVIL VON DOOM: No!
The RICH PEOPLE sit down. EVIL VON DOOM does a REALLY LONG SPEECH ABOUT THERE BEING A NEW WORLD ORDER NOW HE HAS A SNAKE DICK.
OH, RIGHT, UH: JESSICA is at the OPERA, for SOME REASON, and then he TAKES HER HOSTAGE and FLIES AWAY while LAUGHING EVILLY
TAD: [Agog in a tuxedo] Now I must be the unluckiest guy in Australia!
ACT THREE
JORDAN is WATCHING THE NEWS, which FOR PRODUCTION REASONS NOBODY CAN QUITE EXPLAIN has HD FOOTAGE OF JESSICA BEING ABDUCTED BY DR EVIL VON DOOM.
JORDAN: Stay here, boy.
DICK: Woof!
JORDAN puts on his SOON TO BE ICONIC but RIGHT NOW QUITE THROWN TOGETHER outfit of a PINK BALACLAVA and SKIN-COLOURED LEOTARD and JUMPS OUT OF THE WINDOW, his DICK swinging him INTO THE NIGHT
§
We cut to EVIL VON DOOM’S LAIR, where JESSICA is SUSPENDED over a PIT OF SNAKES
EVIL VON DOOM: Ha, ha, ha!
JESSICA: Why are you doing this!
EVIL VON DOOM: BE QUIET!
JORDAN enters
JORDAN: That’s enough!
THEY HAVE a FIGHT that I AM BASICALLY GOING TO BE QUIETLY ASKED TO CLEAR MY DESK ABOUT if I DETAIL IT AS THOROUGHLY AS I WANT TO but needless to say IT INVOLVES LIKE A HELL OF A LOT OF SCREAMING AND JIZZING AT THE SAME TIME, and EVIL VON DOOM LOOKS LIKE HE’S WINNING but then TURNS AWAY AT EXACTLY THE WRONG TIME AND GETS HIT BY A REAL CANNON OF A CUMSHOT and ENDS UP IN THE PIT OF SNAKES, SCREAMING
JESSICA: You saved me!
DICK, who has SOMEHOW RUN TO THE LAIR and FOUND IT, ALSO, enters
DICK: Woof!
JORDAN: Ha, that’s right, boy! Woof!
JESSICA kisses JORDAN
JESSICA: That’s for saving me.
JORDAN: No one can know my secret.
JESSICA: I’m not even sure I understand it, actually. Like you never really explained it to me. What’s with the di—
JORDAN: The spider bites.
JESSICA: Oh, because—
JORDAN: No, it’s a spider bite thing.
JESSICA: It, like—?
JORDAN: It made my dick magic.
MONTAGE SEQUENCE: JESSICA and JORDAN QUIETLY GO BACK TO THEIR HOMES. TAD approaches JORDAN at the BUILDING SITE and SOLEMNLY SHAKES HIS HAND. AUNT GERMAINE stitches an ACTUALLY GOOD LYCRA SUIT up that LOOKS LIKE A BELLPIECE AND SHAFT. JORDAN stands on top of a TALL BUILDING against the DARK OF THE NIGHT.
JORDAN, NARRATING: This is my city. This is my domain. This is my story. I am—
[EXTREMELY KICKING DRUM BEAT]
JORDAN: SPIDER-DICK
[WILL SMITH RAP OVER THE CREDITS]
Ha-ha, here it is
D to the I, C-K that’s me
Or should I say him: Jor-den
Spider bite all on the tip of his glans
Spider-dick, with the superpowers
Dick can blast cum for hours and hours
Slick business with the dick business
Clearing up the streets with his hip dick wares
Evil von Doom got the dick of a snake
Ha-ha, ain’t too much for our boy to take
Blastin’ and rollin’, shooting the spooge
Evil von Doom going back to dick school
And now he’s safeguardin’, building tops
Keep our streets safe with the gift of jizz wads
Jordan and Dicky, the dream team double
Mess with this dick and you’re getting in trouble – COME ON!
[Stevie Wonder sample with Will Smith laughing and saying “Spider-Dick” over the top of it]
FIN
Fucking come on, Hollywood, give me a job.
(Photo: dickhuhne, via)
