The Bucharest Museum of Natural History Is Weird

When I’m in Bucharest and the ol’ brain’s telling me it’s time to drink in some knowledge, I go to the Bucharest Museum of Natural History. It’s a very educational place. There are dinosaurs, geology exhibitions and it even has its own research institute. And it also has life-size wax replicas of pop stars, cultural idols, mythological figures and famous mutants from human history. Did I say ‘replicas’? I mean incredibly loose approximations. Let’s take a look at what Bucharest sees when it imagines the past.

Masha and Dasha were the world’s eldest Siamese twins. They lived and died in the Soviet Union and their life story is simply mind-blowing: 53 years of insane asylums, booze and abuse. They were also female, a fact that this exhibit fails to convey.

The pig-faced woman. I don’t know if she ever existed or not. A musem visitor said that she must be from one of those old Russian fairy tales. I guess Bucharest’s Natural History Museum is a place where the real and the unreal collide and then… well, this happens.

Again, not sure on this one. Kinda looks like Nicholas Lyndhurst in drag.

With a few more pounds of wax rubbed around her boobs she could have been Lolo Ferrari, but as it is, I think they were just going for a mermaid. It was a real hit with the visitors. I literally had to wait in a line just to take its picture.

You know that patch of skin on your ankle that you can’t stop itching? Here’s the insect man from outer space who put those scratchy fibres under your skin: RayVon, King of the Morgellons. And to your left, tits again.

Hercules just chillin’ on a stick. Just slayed a beast of some kind, NBD.

I don’t know what this is supposed to be, but the only logical thing I can possibly imagine is that it’s a local man who broke the record for putting the most straws in his mouth. Except, it doesn’t look like he’s got that many straws. I mean, clearly he has more than is normal, but it doesn’t look a record breaker. So maybe it was just a famous, failed attempt at breaking that record?

An accurate representation of what boobs looked like during the time of Minoic civilisation.

The smallest twins that ever lived. There were a lot of twins in the museum, I guess it saves on costs.

Another severed head. Out of shot, a woman is stomping it. I think it’s from Christian culture, maybe it’s John the Redeemer? Whoever he was, he was definitely a ShitLAD.

Away from the thronging crowds at the waxwork exhibit, I only saw about 12 other people in the rest of the museum. Sadly, someone managed to steal the diamond.

Which made for a melancholy end to a fun day out.