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James Giles is a professor of psychology at Roskilde University in Denmark. He specializes in sex and relationships, cross-sex friendships, and existential identity. Though he can't cite any studies on the withholding of sex, Giles affirms that it is common in Western culture. "There is evidence that this was something that has an ancient ancestry," he told Broadly. "In one of Aristophanes' plays, the women refuse to have sex with the men until they stop fighting. Also, in the Kama Sutra (about 400 CE), this behavior is suggested as a way of keeping the partner's interest." Giles says that the common thread between these two ancient examples is the intent: "to coerce a partner into performing (or not performing) a certain behavior."In one of Aristophanes' plays, the women refuse to have sex with the men until they stop fighting.
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Alanis is in her mid twenties and doesn't adhere to the stereotype of the sexually withholding woman. When she first met her present boyfriend that dynamic was inverted, though it did not work quite as well for her male partner as it often does for women who withhold. "My current boyfriend tried to withhold sex at the beginning of our relationship," Alanis explains. "We were making out aggressively outside a bar in like 15-degree weather when I suggested we go back to one of our apartments; he said no, we should wait, it would be nice to prolong this nice period of tension, whatever, whatever." She was annoyed, stomped dramatically, and left frustrated. 'Not 24 hours later I received a text message asking me to 'hang out' the next day."People are frequently shortsighted in achieving their goals and often lack communication skills.
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Madame Rebecca has a different reason for withholding sex: She controls men for a living. "I work as an online dominatrix where I possess several slaves," she says. "We communicate over Skype. Each submissive has different weaknesses that we mutually enjoy exploring." Most of her submissives are middle-class and white. Other than that, "they are all different, mostly affluent and bored." The withholding of sex is fundamental to Madame Rebecca's master-slave relationships. "They would never be able to have sex with me. That is totally out of the question." She says that her slaves yearn for servitude and deeply enjoy being withheld sex from their female dominator. "They can crave it all that they want, but it's knowing that having sex with me is totally out of their limit that creates their fantasy."They can crave it all that they want, but it's knowing that having sex with me is totally out of their limit that creates their fantasy.
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Madame Rebecca argues that her extreme version of withholding exists on a spectrum with the way in which more basic, mainstream couples deny each other sex in order to get what they want. "What I deal with is just a heightened version of the daily power/control dynamics that we have to manage everyday," Madame Rebecca explains. "[My slaves] fantasize of dominant woman. It's a role reversal of everything patriarchal society offers them."Giles disagrees, reaffirming that people ultimately do not want to be coerced; as he sees it, Madame Rebecca's subs want to be denied sex. "In the fetishistic version the man desires the withholding and gets erotic pleasure from it. This is a fundamentally different situation.""Men have to feel like they are in control all the time—patriarchy isn't a natural state of living," Madame Rebecca says, firm in her belief that her work is relative to culture at large. "Through women's sexuality we posses a huge amount of power. It's what men want constantly. Retrieving that power can give a huge sensual experience to a man."Men have to feel like they are in control all the time—patriarchy isn't a natural state of living.