Carlton Férment
Thanks For Reminding Me My Loneliness Will Kill Me, Every Media Outlet Ever!
Really psyched about dying of a heart attack while crying under my electric blanket.
Chubby Commuters Are Consuming 800 Extra Calories a Week Through Snacking
Stop eating so many packets of Starburst on the train, you bloody idiot!
Scary-Looking 'Zombie Knives' to Be Banned in England and Wales
Bad news for creeps, nerds, geeks, murderers and serrated blade enthusiasts up and down the country.
London's Air Pollution Is Making Its People Look Old as Fuck
The dirty air gets in your skin and makes you look like an uggo – according to a skincare company that promises it can make you not look like an uggo.
The UK Is the European Leader in Deep Web Drug Deals
We're second only to America when it comes to buying our bits online.
Nintendo's Shares Have Slumped After Idiots Realised They Don't Own 'Pokémon GO'
Looks like they invested before checking who has the rights to the game. Nice going, guys.
Some Old People Want to Stop Teenagers from Drinking Red Bull in the UK
The killjoys are out in force, and they want our youth to stop binging on caffeine.
Kids Who Watch Junk Food Adverts Go Mad for the Trash
Cancer Research has done a study that shows kids watching junk food ads crave junk food a whole lot.
Gang Jailed for Smuggling Drugs Using Fake Ambulances
Some jokers filled them up with all sort of naughty things.
Someone's Been Doing Coke in the Bathrooms at the Harry Potter Studio Tour
But who's to blame? Taking everything into account, Cho Chang seems like the likeliest of suspects.
St Pauli's Manager Wasn't There for a Signing, So They Just Brought in a Guy in a Mask Instead
Turns out Ewald Lienen is a professional piss-taker.